Is This Really Happening?

I had a completely sleepless night, and feel awful this morning. Attila left for work an hour early, he is avoiding eye contact now. He is making arrangements today to rent a room to move into, not sure when he will move out, probably soon. He has a lot of good intentions on making sure I am OK, few of which will be real, mostly in-the-moment guilt driven, that has no lasting power.

I looked at real estate this morning because I will have to move, as this is the marital home and has to be sold. I cried. The only unit I had any chance at having enough money for was falling apart, heated with expensive electricity, and in a neighbourhood where there were shooting deaths a few months ago. I would be on my own there, and couldn’t afford to renovate at all. Not desirable. I looked at rental units and they cost more than my income, so that won’t work either. My thinking has not yet adjusted to the reality of a small pension, in this first pass looking for a place to live.

I spent part of the night looking for a support group for coping with divorce, only paid options available, and those are private sessions, which I don’t want, I want to sit with a group of people who are experiencing the same thing! I joined an online group, but that is not face-to-face, which is the kind of contact I am fighting to keep in my life.

I sent the news to my Mom, my sisters, and my daughters. They were all deeply shocked and saddened. They have been verbally supportive.

My real challenge today is to eat. Yesterday I was nauseous at every bite I attempted. All I could get down was a slice of bread with peanut butter, but I have to do a lot better than that.

Day two doesn’t seem any easier than day one so far. I still can’t take it in, that this is really happening.

Since I have no one here to talk to, now, or later, or ever, I think I will allow myself to write here, it helps a bit.

Worldly Distractions


Date: 6:00 AM EST Monday 27 November 2017
Condition: Light Snowshower
Pressure: 101.4 kPa
Temperature: 0.9°C
Dew point: -3.7°C
Humidity: 71%
Wind: NW 17 km/h
Visibility: 24 km


“A mind too active is no mind at all.”
Theodore Roethke
1908 – 1963

This is an issue at the moment.

I am not bored yet!

Wednesday, May 20, 2105

Today I sold the bunk beds in the second bedroom, to the neighbour, for their two small sons. I sold it to her for 1/3 of what I paid for them, and they were used only twice. She dismantled it and carried it home, with a small bit of assistance from me.

That cleared up a lot of space in the second bedroom.

The other project that was tackled today was organizing the canning equipment. The empty jars were to be stored down in the basement, so there was a lot of “up and down the stairs” in my day. My knees were very sore at the end of the day.

The rhubarb in our garden is doing well, so I picked some of the larger stalks to stew. There is nothing like fresh produce from your own garden.

A realtor came through the country house this evening, with prospective buyers.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

We have been renovating at the little house in the city for five years now. During that time we have “put up” with a lot of chaos, and temporary solutions to domestic comfort. On this stay at the little house in the city, I have begun the task of taking the chaos in hand.

On Thursday I spent over eight hours emptying the hall closet. It is the only closet in the house. It has been the central storage place for tools and materials for the last five years. Attila could find things in there, most of the time, but it was getting to the point where it was time consuming to find the tools we needed.

Part of emptying the closet was dealing with the hundreds of plugs, screws, washers, nails, and little bits of useful metal, that were spilled all over the shelves. The job of picking up all of these items was made extra miserable because they were mixed with copious amounts of sawdust, and, well, mouse poop. Lots and lots of mouse poop. We have evicted the mice, but they left their calling cards.

I began the clean up with a pump spray bottle of hydrogen peroxide. I sprayed every layer of tools that I removed from the cupboard. And when I got to the almost bare shelves, covered with a thin layer of sawdust, mouse poop, and little metal and plastic bits, I gave it an extra good spraying.

Once I had removed all of the items from the cupboard, including the objectionable elements, I washed it from top to bottom with hot water and soap and bleach.

After letting everything dry, I organized all of the items and returned them to the cupboard. Now I can find anything I need in there!

I pushed myself, finishing the job after 10 p.m., after which I collapsed into bed.

Friday, May 22, 2015

Today Terra texted me and asked if I could “babysit” her, while Lares went out and attended to necessary things away from home. Of course I said yes. We had a lovely visit, she is still on heavy pain medication and can become quite dizzy while standing. So we lay in her bed and chatted, watched a movie, and chatted some more. I had a lovely time, and when Lares came home he BBQ’d some hamburgers, while Terra ventured downstairs to warm up some tomato soup. Then Lares got busy with burlap to cover up their extensive gardens, because there was a frost warning.

I headed home before dark, to cover my newly planted tomatoes, lavender, and portulaca. The sheet of plastic I had wasn’t quite long enough to go over all the tomato plants, so I grabbed a plastic tablecloth and used that as well. I used clothes pins to attache the plastic and the tablecloth to the wire tomato baskets, and secured the ends by laying heavy pieces of lumber on the edges of the plastic, on the ground. The portulaca is in a little raised bed at the front of the house. I used a plastic wash basin and a vegetable drawer saved from an old refrigerator, to cover it. It looked terrible, but it did the job.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

We got our frost last night! It looks like there was no damage.

Our dining area in the kitchen overlooks the bedroom window of the house next door. This means that when I am gazing out the window at the trees, I am also aware of the visual opening into the house next door. And I am aware that I can be observed from that window, which I don’t care for much.

I had purchased some inexpensive plastic film, designed to be applied to windows for privacy. I measured and cut, and then applied the film to the windows. I now have the privacy I crave, and the light can still shine into the room. It does seem a little bit “institutional” to me, I will have to wait and see if I get used to it.

The window in the dining area, the light comes in, and you cannot see in!

Attila and I have a lot of linens. There are towels that Attila’s Mom gave him when he left home to go to university; they may be antiques. There are towels that the cat has clawed and pulled, less than pretty, but still functional. There are sets of towels that I don’t even remember where they came from. We also have quite an assortment of old sheets, and pillow cases, and tea towels, and odd sized bits and pieces that I can’t bear to throw out yet, although I have no earthly use for them. The older towels, and odd sized linens, filled to bursting a 63 litre tote. A second tote was filled with new unused sets of towels, facecloths, and dishcloths. What amazes me is that we also have a linen closet at the country house, that is full to bursting. If we manage to move to the little house, I will wait until the dust has settled and sort through all of these linens, and purge, purge, purge.

Attila worked today. We spoke late in the afternoon, over FaceTime. He is working on the gardens at the country house, which do need attention. One of the projects he started years ago is a granite pathway into the forest. It is almost complete now, I think he will finish it tomorrow.

Tomorrow I am thinking of attempting to cut the grass in the front yard, here a the little house in the city. My knee is still bothering me a bit, but I am hoping that if I take painkillers, and wear my knee brace, and take things very slowly, I might just manage to get the job done. We shall see!

Attila tells me we have another realtor coming this week to show the country house.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Today I mowed the lawn! All of it! It took all morning, which is about three hours of hard work. I took two breaks, long enough to cool down, and feel relaxed, before starting again.

Then I watered the plants. That is when I discovered that four of the tomato plants were killed by the frost we had on Friday night. They were near the edge of the plastic covering. I will need to go out and buy another four plants.

I was very hot when I finished all my yard chores, so i came inside and hopped in the shower. That felt so good!

I am not sure what I will do with the rest of my day, but I plan on taking it relatively easy, so as not to strain my arthritic knee, or my back, or… well, there is a lot that can hurt on this old body, so I’ll just take it easy!

Worldly Distractions


Little House in the City
8:00 PM EDT Saturday 23 May 2015
Condition: Mainly Sunny
Pressure: 102.5 kPa
Tendency: falling
Visibility: 24 km
Temperature: 8.5°C
Dewpoint: 3.6°C
Humidity: 71%
Wind: S 17 km/h

Country House
Date: 8:00 PM EDT Saturday 23 May 2015
Condition: Sunny
Pressure: 102.2 kPa
Visibility: 16 km
Temperature: 18.0°C
Dewpoint: 0.8°C
Humidity: 31%
Wind: SW 17 km/h


“Better by far you should forget and smile than you should remember and be sad.”
Christina Rossetti
1830 – 1894

First Snow Autumn 2014

The week has been eventful.

Our national media community has been rocked by revelations of violent behaviour towards women, by one of Canada’s prominent talk show hosts, Jian Ghomeshi. Plenty of news about him everywhere in the Canadian media, so I do not want to discuss him here. Also, the Ebola virus continues to spread, and people in Africa continue to die, there is no way to tell if this issue will impact all humans on the planet, or if it will be contained, another issue well covered by the media, so that I do not want to discuss it here. I mention these two events only to mark them in my personal journal, this journal, as an acknowledgement of the larger context in which I live.

Closer to home, the real estate listing for our country house expired yesterday. The realtor called to inquire if we wanted to extend the listing, we did not. She came by later in the day to remove the signs and we had a brief and friendly chat. She said it was the quietest year for home sales she has ever experienced. She is retirement age, and has been selling real estate in this area for more than three decades. That puts our experiences, or lack of of it, into perspective.

We decided to let the listing expire for the winter at least. Heating with wood is hard work, and messy. Most of our lower floor windows and some of our main floor windows will be boarded up for the winter, so that we can afford to heat the place. Both of these things do not make for an appealing home for sale. Someone with a higher income would enjoy this house, using the electric heating system, the masonry heater for pleasure firings, and not having to worry about the extra heat loss from the beautiful windows.

Yesterday was cold and wet and blustery. I fear the weather was very unpleasant for little trick or treaters as they made their visits. There were no trick or treaters within miles of us, and I only remembered it was Hallowe’en because Terra sent me a picture of herself, in costume for her workplace.

This morning is much the same, cold and blustery, with one addition, our first snow. It fell during the night, leaving a light dusting on the ground and above, where it was underlined as far as the eye could see by tree branches.

The First Snow: Autumn 2014
First snow fall 2014

I spent the yesterday morning helping out at a local business for a few hours. It is quite a change in activity level, going from being sequestered in the living area of our house for weeks, then working at mild physical activity. I was exhausted! So much so that I went to bed early, and slept in until almost 6:00 a.m., well past the the time when I usually awaken.

As for our plans for today when Attila gets home from work, domestic tasks are at the forefront. Attila will board up the windows for the winter. We have thawed a turkey and will have a turkey dinner with dressing and all the trimmings for dinner.

Worldly Distractions


Date: 10:00 AM EDT Saturday 1 November 2014
Condition: Mostly Cloudy
Pressure: 102.5 kPa
Visibility: 16 km
Temperature: -0.9°C
Dewpoint: -2.9°C
Humidity: 86%
Wind: NNW 17 gust 28 km/h
Wind Chill: -6


“The world is round; it has no point.”
Adrienne E. Gusoff

What about a turkey baster?

This morning I sat contentedly on the sofa, and thought about turkey basters. Funny, the things you think of.

It is a high pitched drone, near my head, that inspires such thoughts.

What I wonder is: if I squeezed the air out of the bulb of a turkey baster, and then aimed the nozzle at the drone of the mosquito, which is somewhere behind my right ear, then release the bulb, would the air flowing back into the nozzle filling the bulb suck up the mosquito, allowing me to put my finger over the end of the nozzle, and entrap the little @#%@%&^%$%Q# before it lands and bites?

I do not have a turkey baster, but the thought intrigues me. They say that necessity is the mother of invention.

This morning, after Attila left for work, Mist settled on the sofa for her nap, and I retired to my easy chair and laptop, two mosquitoes decided it was time for meal.

It took about fifteen minutes of cunning strategic moves to finally crush one of my opponents, I got it before it got me. The other was waiting in the wings to see what the outcome would be, and attacked within minutes of its compatriots demise. The war of wits began again.

Suddenly the mosquito was nowhere to be heard. I looked around, and there it was, hovering over Mist. Every time it landed she would twitch, setting it to flight once more. I put down my laptop, and slowly moved towards Mist. At an opportune moment I swooped in to slap both hands together, and conquered the little beast. Mist sighed in relief, blinked at me, and rested her head on her paws, ready for another nap.

That is two mosquitoes already this morning, and the third is now buzzing around my head. The stream of them seems steadier today. They must have come in last night, when Attila came in from mowing the lawn. Ah, I just got the third one! Sigh, it won’t be long before number four drifts over to make another attempt at having me for dinner.

The nights are cool, and the days are sunny and mild. Perfect weather as far as I am concerned. It seems the insect world has the same taste in weather as do I. They are thriving! And once again, I am grateful for window screens.

I felt as if it would never happen, our camp deal closed today, we own the lot! What an ordeal!! Our lawyer explained some of the things that needed to be completed before the deal could go through, such as a legal and completed power of attorney, and deed transfers. A good lawyer is worth their weight in gold.

So, after multiple closing extensions, at last, we have the camp!

Worldly Distractions


Date: 7:00 AM EDT Friday 30 May 2014
Condition: Mainly Sunny
Pressure: 102.2 kPa
Visibility: 16 km
Temperature: 11.6°C
Dewpoint: 10.0°C
Humidity: 90%
Wind: NW 9 km/h


“Far and away the best prize that life offers is the chance to work hard at work worth doing.”
Theodore Roosevelt
1858 – 1919

Planning to Sell

A joint decision has been made, our country house is going up for sale, soon but not yet. We have to do the usual spring clean up before we allow anyone in to see it. Right now we are waiting for the snow to melt, and the heating season to be over, so we can tuck in and get the job done. The list is short, but since Attila will be attending to most of it, and he is short of time, the short list will get short shrift.

I am going to attend a seminar meant for people who sell their own properties, without a realtor. The last time we put this house up for sale through a realtor it wasn’t marketed properly, so that the only people who viewed it wanted waterfront property, which it is not. So no offers and no sale and a lot of intrusion was suffered to no practical end. The real estate people in this area are more focused on the half to multi-million dollar properties, and who can blame them when you think about those commissions. However, it leaves us little people to fend for ourselves. The task will fall to me, to do all the leg work in the selling process. It will be three to four weeks before we get the house onto the market.

Wish us luck!

We will not be moving to the little house in the city though, because Attila has a good job here in the country. We have not yet decided what we will do about a place to live near Attila’s place of work, not yet. In my mind there are factors to consider; thermostat heating, ploughed parking, accessible grocery store, to name a few. First we have to sell the country house, then we worry about what to do next. If the country house does not sell, there will be nothing to decide!

The snow is melting fast now, but will not be gone until well into May. There is some flooding in the bay, I watch with interest as the ice goes out, glad that our property is high and dry. Already Attila has noticed black flies. That means that this year the biting bugs are starting before the snow melts. What a “spring”!

Terra sent me pictures of their new siding, it looks wonderful! They have completed two sides of the house now, and will tackle the remaining sides over the next few weeks. The original siding is in wonderful condition, but would take a lot of work to restore. Still, there is always the possibility of restoration at a future date, as the new siding will protect the original from the weather and deterioration.

I am sitting in front of a flickering fire, listening to rain dripping from the roof, sipping my coffee, contemplating the nature of change; the risks, the joys, the inevitability.

Worldly Distractions


Date: 7:17 AM EDT Saturday 26 April 2014
Condition: Light Rain
Pressure: 100.8 kPa
Visibility: 16 km
Temperature: 1.4°C
Dewpoint: 1.3°C
Humidity: 99%
Wind: NW 4 km/h


“Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.”
Carl Zwanzig