Is This Really Happening?

I had a completely sleepless night, and feel awful this morning. Attila left for work an hour early, he is avoiding eye contact now. He is making arrangements today to rent a room to move into, not sure when he will move out, probably soon. He has a lot of good intentions on making sure I am OK, few of which will be real, mostly in-the-moment guilt driven, that has no lasting power.

I looked at real estate this morning because I will have to move, as this is the marital home and has to be sold. I cried. The only unit I had any chance at having enough money for was falling apart, heated with expensive electricity, and in a neighbourhood where there were shooting deaths a few months ago. I would be on my own there, and couldn’t afford to renovate at all. Not desirable. I looked at rental units and they cost more than my income, so that won’t work either. My thinking has not yet adjusted to the reality of a small pension, in this first pass looking for a place to live.

I spent part of the night looking for a support group for coping with divorce, only paid options available, and those are private sessions, which I don’t want, I want to sit with a group of people who are experiencing the same thing! I joined an online group, but that is not face-to-face, which is the kind of contact I am fighting to keep in my life.

I sent the news to my Mom, my sisters, and my daughters. They were all deeply shocked and saddened. They have been verbally supportive.

My real challenge today is to eat. Yesterday I was nauseous at every bite I attempted. All I could get down was a slice of bread with peanut butter, but I have to do a lot better than that.

Day two doesn’t seem any easier than day one so far. I still can’t take it in, that this is really happening.

Since I have no one here to talk to, now, or later, or ever, I think I will allow myself to write here, it helps a bit.

Worldly Distractions

Weather

1°C
Date: 6:00 AM EST Monday 27 November 2017
Condition: Light Snowshower
Pressure: 101.4 kPa
Temperature: 0.9°C
Dew point: -3.7°C
Humidity: 71%
Wind: NW 17 km/h
Visibility: 24 km

Quote

“A mind too active is no mind at all.”
Theodore Roethke
1908 – 1963

This is an issue at the moment.

7 Comments

  1. TopsyTurvy (Teri)

    I agree with Wendy. Beyond that, maybe you need to consider moving to another area? Closer to a daughter would be good for support and periodic company but maybe a bit further out of town to bring prices down.

    You could also ask for temporary spousal support to make the transition easier. He’s working and you’re retired, after all.

  2. Sandy

    Maggie I’m so sorry to hear this. I agree with Wendy and Teri. Don’t make fast decisions when you’re in shock. Also, as much as you may want to, don’t make things easier for Attila. If spousal support is an option, go for it! And moving closer to one of your kids might be a good option, ((HUgs))

  3. Maggie, I am deeply shocked. Separation at this stage in life is hard, but you have so much life experience that you have a lot to draw on. Take care of yourself, and above all, find a support group. You need to talk to people. Meanwhile, keep writing here.

  4. Steve Paul Simms

    Just reading this now, Maggie. Whew!!!
    There’s an old Bessie Smith song that goes ‘if he can stand to leave me I can stand to see him go’, which may be of some small consolation. Hang in.
    I love you very much. Lots of us do. Stay well and write or call me.

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