I had a completely sleepless night, and feel awful this morning. Attila left for work an hour early, he is avoiding eye contact now. He is making arrangements today to rent a room to move into, not sure when he will move out, probably soon. He has a lot of good intentions on making sure I am OK, few of which will be real, mostly in-the-moment guilt driven, that has no lasting power.
I looked at real estate this morning because I will have to move, as this is the marital home and has to be sold. I cried. The only unit I had any chance at having enough money for was falling apart, heated with expensive electricity, and in a neighbourhood where there were shooting deaths a few months ago. I would be on my own there, and couldn’t afford to renovate at all. Not desirable. I looked at rental units and they cost more than my income, so that won’t work either. My thinking has not yet adjusted to the reality of a small pension, in this first pass looking for a place to live.
I spent part of the night looking for a support group for coping with divorce, only paid options available, and those are private sessions, which I don’t want, I want to sit with a group of people who are experiencing the same thing! I joined an online group, but that is not face-to-face, which is the kind of contact I am fighting to keep in my life.
I sent the news to my Mom, my sisters, and my daughters. They were all deeply shocked and saddened. They have been verbally supportive.
My real challenge today is to eat. Yesterday I was nauseous at every bite I attempted. All I could get down was a slice of bread with peanut butter, but I have to do a lot better than that.
Day two doesn’t seem any easier than day one so far. I still can’t take it in, that this is really happening.
Since I have no one here to talk to, now, or later, or ever, I think I will allow myself to write here, it helps a bit.
Date: 6:00 AM EST Monday 27 November 2017
Condition: Light Snowshower
Pressure: 101.4 kPa
Dew point: -3.7°C
Wind: NW 17 km/h
Visibility: 24 km
“A mind too active is no mind at all.”
1908 – 1963
This is an issue at the moment.