Fear affects a persons perceptions. That is one of my biggest challenges right now, fear control. Even small changes, small shifts, invite me to fall into a state of near panic… what does this or that mean, are things going to get a lot worse now, and how, what don’t I see coming, what shocking surprise is around the corner. I am controlling the fear, for the moment, with writing. I write down every outrageous thought that enters my head, be it founded or unfounded. This is helping considerably; and particularly when the unfounded fear turns out to actually be unfounded. I have quite a collection of recorded fears, and some of them have been crossed out, not all though, not all.
The cold is bitter today. If I sit near the exterior walls of the house I feel chilled. Tonight the low is predicted to fall to -27C, with a wind chill of -39. Indoors is the only reasonable place to be. When the world warms, the snow is supposed to arrive in force. Winter is making herself felt.
I slept for six solid hours last night, for the first time in weeks. When I got up in the morning and saw the time I felt like crying with gratitude. If I hadn’t looked at the clock I would not have known that I had slept that long, I was not refreshed, because these days I do not feel sleepy tired at any point in time, I feel weary to the bone all the time. Although I am not perceiving the benefit of six hours sleep, I am very sure it is helping me to work my way through my present life situation. My diet is good, I am eating regularly and well, I am keeping hydrated, exercise is not something I have a handle on yet though, I keep looking at the elliptical machine, but have only managed it once a few days ago… something to aim for.
I have been writing poems, or pieces of them. Lines come fast, heavy with feeling, and then suddenly they stop, midline, or mid stanza, or on the final line, and I, staring blankly at the page, have no thought in my head. That needed thought, word, concept, it just won’t come out to play. As much as I am thankful for the blank mind, really, couldn’t it wait until the poem was complete!
EXTREME COLD WARNING IN EFFECT
Date: 6:00 AM EST Saturday 6 January 2018
Condition: Mainly Clear
Pressure: 102.3 kPa
Dew point: -32.0°C
Wind: WNW 22 gust 35 km/h
Wind Chill: -39
Visibility: 24 km
“Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness.”
I’ve been keeping busy, very, very busy, keeping my speed up to that I can leap over chasms. My days are mostly pleasant.
We have had rain! It rained yesterday morning, which prevented me from taking my walk as early as I had planned. By the time the rain stopped and I stepped outside, it was like entering a sauna. I decided to take my walk anyway, but to avoid issues I walked very slowly, not pushing myself. I was soaked with sweat by the time I arrived home, safe and sound.
Last Saturday we had a lovely surprise. Luna and the Grandbabies arrived for a visit, staying for lunch and dinner. Imp and Elf and Tink are growing so fast now! Imp has grown quite tall. She and I had a great time going through some of the books on my bookshelf, trying to find the oldest book. I taught her where to look for the publication date at the front of the book. The oldest one we found was a leather bound copy of The Select Poetical Works of Lord Byron, Boston: Phillips, Sampson, & Company, 119 Washington Street, 1853. Elf had fun building a wooden chair, footstool and table from wood scraps leftover from the garden shed project. Attila spent some time teaching him to use the electric screw driver. Tink enjoyed playing with the dolls in the toy box. She read the first half of the book Go Dogs Go to me, and then I read the second half of the book to her. All three of the Grandbabies stopped to sit with me as I read, it was charming.
Terra and Lares stopped by for about ten minutes with the Sunny and Sky. The babies were all dressed up for a family occasion of some kind, on Lares side of the family. They weren’t here long enough to take pictures. The twins are now both over 7 pounds and are rosy and healthy. They sleep a lot, oh how quickly I forget. Attila and I got to hold them, briefly.
We had a few cool days, when the high temperature only reached 24C, and then the heat returned. It has been a summer of blistering heat. The drought ended last week with an all day rain, and we had had rain again yesterday.
My toe nail is turning colour and separating from the nail bed. It isn’t a big deal, but when it became very painful I decided to get it looked at to make sure that it hadn’t become something serious. My only option for a medical opinion, the emergency department at the hospital. I arrived there and joined the queue at 7:30 p.m. last night and arrived home at 2:15 a.m., the drive to and from is under five minutes. Most of that time I waited in an almost full to capacity waiting room, sitting across from a couple who were very obviously high on something, who were themselves waiting for a morning after pill, which they were discussing loudly, with the television in the room loudly describing gruesome murders and showing graphic reenactments. It was a long night, and the doctor visually diagnosed fungal infection and poor circulation, injected freezing, suggested salt water soaking and tylenol, 20 minutes tops, and sent me on my way.
There has to be a better way to deliver basic health care.
I slept until 7:20 am this morning, a very short night, and I feel horrid from a bad night’s sleep.
Things are looking green, and at last the Scarlet Runner Beans along the fence are filling in and blooming profusely. Yesterday morning I stood at the kitchen window for ten minutes or so, to watch a Humming Bird visit each bloom on the Scarlet Runners. Plants are on sale at the moment, particularly potted plants that suffered during the hot drought. We picked up a large pot of Echinacea, which Attila planted by the compost bin, where we think it will do very well. I am attempting to plant Monarch Butterfly friendly plants in the yard. I was most interested in a site devoted to creating Monarch friendly gardens. I haven’t seen any Monarch Butterflies this summer!
A bloom on the Scarlet Runner Beans. I will be watching these blooms again this morning, in hopes of seeing the Humming Bird feeding.
The new Echinacea plant, already thriving beside the compost bin.
The herbs and spices for a Lentil Salad. I made a Lentil Salad yesterday, assembling three batches of the herbs and spices needed. One I used to make the salad, and the other two I stored in small jars for future salads. There are so many herbs and spices that finding them all in the kitchen cupboard takes a bit of time, so doling out three measures into three containers saves me a lot of time.
Date: 11:00 AM EDT Thursday 25 August 2016
Condition: Mostly Cloudy
Pressure: 101.3 kPa
Visibility: 16 km
Wind: SSW 23 km/h
Why is it we feel
So little for each other, but for this,
That we with nature have no sympathy,
Or with such things as have no power to hold
And never for each other shall we feel
As we may feel, till we have sympathy
With nature in her forms inanimate,
With objects such as have no power to hold
Articulate language. In all forms of things
There is a mind.
William Wordsworth, fragment from the Alfoxden Notebook, in Ernest de Selincourt and Helen Darbishire (editors), The Poetical Works of William Wordsworth, Volume 5 (Oxford University Press 1949), page 340.
Poem for Carl Robert
I name you the bloom
on the scarlet runner beans
growing wildly up my fence
and the bristly heads
crowned with purple
of the Echinacea.
I name you the leaves
that loosely follow and
beckon and caress empty air
and the long grasses
pointing the way.
You who filled
certain crucial holes
in my universe
so that I could have walked
blindly through life.