Classes

In between my short bouts of complete emotional meltdown, they come and go during the day, I am getting things done.

Today I called the pharmacy to inquire if there are medications that the walk-in clinic doctors would actually prescribe for me, for insomnia, that would work. I have tried all the home remedies, and still I am only sleeping around four hours a night, a few nights I get more sleep than that, but frequently less. I am in sleep deficit, and I think this intensifies the feelings of fear and pain, and makes it more difficult to deal with them effectively. The pharmacist told me there are several options, so it is going to be worthwhile to go in to the walk-in clinic and try to get a prescription. I regard the medication as a temporary leg-up, to let me rest adequately through this ordeal.

I spent a lot of time, yesterday and today, looking at classes and activities in the city, and found something I want to attend this weekend, during the day. I will go and see what it is like. I am actively looking to replace my yoga class with something more life affirming.

I have decided not to return to the yoga class. Three factors make it a poor fit: one, there are males in the class and one of them is showing an unwelcome, but not odious, interest in me, yuck; two, the invisible ball throwing game is not my cup of tea, and it gives the male the opportunity to make eye contact with me and interact with me, double yuck; three, the class is geared to the needs of several developmentally delayed individuals, who are brought there by their PSW (Personal Support Worker), and while I have no objection to the class accommodating their specific needs, I don’t need what they need, and feel the class is a poor fit for me. I think my presence would not be an asset to the group, or to me. I have decided to just stop going, and write off the expense, I had to pay for the whole session to join, and buy a membership in the organization. I will write off the membership fee as a contribution to the organization. I tried, good for me, I tried. This class was taking more away from me than it was giving me.

Right now in particular, an activity either has to add something of value to my life, or I won’t be bothering with it.

Hopefully the activity that I am planning to attend this weekend will be enjoyable. It is hard to tell on a first visit, because the nervousness of a new situation can colour the experience. I usually give new experiences like this three tries before I decide about them, unless there are compelling reasons not to.

I paid bills today, not a fun job, but it is my job, always has been. Glad to have all that sorted, things got behind over Christmas and are starting to right themselves again.

Also managed 25 minutes on the elliptical.

It is mild today. The snow is melting, and the sky is gray. I keep the handmade table lamp in the corner of the room turned on, as it adds a lovely golden glow to the living room.

Worldly Distractions

Weather

-5°C
Date: 1:00 PM EST Thursday 18 January 2018
Condition: Light Snow
Pressure: 101.6 kPa
Tendency: Falling
Temperature: -4.6°C
Dew point: -8.4°C
Humidity: 75%
Wind: WSW 15 km/h
Wind Chill: -10
Visibility: 11 km

Quote

“Love is everything it’s cracked up to be… It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.”
Erica Jong

Worst New Year’s Eve Ever!

It was a hell of a day yesterday. Attila changed his mind, suddenly, again, and again feels the marriage is over, and that what he wants out of life is to “smoke cigarettes, paint (art), listen to loud rock music, and only think about himself”. He says he is running out of time and that is what he wants to do with the rest of his life.

Yesterday he was brutally honest, not in the least bit gentle, and did spend all night talking with me, filling in the blanks, answering my questions. The upshot is that although he says he still loves me more than anyone else in the world, it is not enough for him to want to be in a relationship with me, or to even consider me more than “just a friend”, not even a “special friend”. He says he doesn’t want to be responsible for anyone else’s happiness, that is too much of a burden for him.

Being responsible for my unhappiness it seems, is acceptable.

What a way to end 2017!

On Friday night I slept for about five hours, an improvement. We didn’t sleep last night at all, talked all night. We went to bed around 7:00 a.m., but I only fell asleep for a few moments here and there, awakened each time by the intense emotional shock, pain, and grief. Actually, I think my insomnia over the past week or so has been my subconscious reading the signs and reacting. I feel as if I will never sleep again.

Attila slept like a baby, a deep peaceful sleep, his decision has been made. Attila is not experiencing any sense of loss over this, and no pain at all. He is doing what he wants, and does not want to concern himself with my feelings, or anyone else’s. His willingness to talk things over with me won’t last, it is mainly guilt, and a bit of concern for me since he had “been rough on me today”, that motivated him to interact with me, I know that. So I took advantage of that window of communication to find out as much as I could about why my life is falling apart. Attila does not intend to interact with me much in future, and he no longer considers me his spouse. He is willing to move out, but not determined to do so at this point.

This is all very painful, actually more painful than the first time he announced he was moving out, earlier in December. Perhaps it hurts more because he came back the last time, citing his announcement as a “terrible terrible mistake”. Apparently the “terrible, terrible mistake” was mainly that finding an apartment was not flowing well, and his gut reaction was that it was a sign that he was going about this break up the wrong way. This is not what I was led to believe at the time… life is full of surprises.

My broken heart is colder than the wind chill factor today.

What a New Year’s Eve! Attila is in the kitchen cooking himself one of his favourite dishes, playing his music, whistling happily along. Me, I am collapsed in pain in my easy chair, tired beyond belief, nauseous and unable to eat, feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus and left in a ditch. I drift between denial, rage, and a deep, deep grief.

Jarringly I suppose, I wish you all a Happy New Year, filled with peace and love and kindness!

Worldly Distractions

Weather

EXTREME COLD WARNING IN EFFECT
-24°C
Date: 8:00 AM EST Sunday 31 December 2017
Condition: Mainly Sunny
Pressure: 102.8 kPa
Tendency: Rising
Temperature: -24.2°C
Dew point: -27.9°C
Humidity: 72%
Wind: NW 14 km/h
Wind Chill: -34
Visibility: 24 km

Quote

“Grief teaches the steadiest minds to waver.”
Sophocles
496 BC – 406 BC

“The only sure thing about luck is that it will change.”
Bret Harte
1836 – 1902