It was a hell of a day yesterday. Attila changed his mind, suddenly, again, and again feels the marriage is over, and that what he wants out of life is to “smoke cigarettes, paint (art), listen to loud rock music, and only think about himself”. He says he is running out of time and that is what he wants to do with the rest of his life.
Yesterday he was brutally honest, not in the least bit gentle, and did spend all night talking with me, filling in the blanks, answering my questions. The upshot is that although he says he still loves me more than anyone else in the world, it is not enough for him to want to be in a relationship with me, or to even consider me more than “just a friend”, not even a “special friend”. He says he doesn’t want to be responsible for anyone else’s happiness, that is too much of a burden for him.
Being responsible for my unhappiness it seems, is acceptable.
What a way to end 2017!
On Friday night I slept for about five hours, an improvement. We didn’t sleep last night at all, talked all night. We went to bed around 7:00 a.m., but I only fell asleep for a few moments here and there, awakened each time by the intense emotional shock, pain, and grief. Actually, I think my insomnia over the past week or so has been my subconscious reading the signs and reacting. I feel as if I will never sleep again.
Attila slept like a baby, a deep peaceful sleep, his decision has been made. Attila is not experiencing any sense of loss over this, and no pain at all. He is doing what he wants, and does not want to concern himself with my feelings, or anyone else’s. His willingness to talk things over with me won’t last, it is mainly guilt, and a bit of concern for me since he had “been rough on me today”, that motivated him to interact with me, I know that. So I took advantage of that window of communication to find out as much as I could about why my life is falling apart. Attila does not intend to interact with me much in future, and he no longer considers me his spouse. He is willing to move out, but not determined to do so at this point.
This is all very painful, actually more painful than the first time he announced he was moving out, earlier in December. Perhaps it hurts more because he came back the last time, citing his announcement as a “terrible terrible mistake”. Apparently the “terrible, terrible mistake” was mainly that finding an apartment was not flowing well, and his gut reaction was that it was a sign that he was going about this break up the wrong way. This is not what I was led to believe at the time… life is full of surprises.
My broken heart is colder than the wind chill factor today.
What a New Year’s Eve! Attila is in the kitchen cooking himself one of his favourite dishes, playing his music, whistling happily along. Me, I am collapsed in pain in my easy chair, tired beyond belief, nauseous and unable to eat, feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus and left in a ditch. I drift between denial, rage, and a deep, deep grief.
Jarringly I suppose, I wish you all a Happy New Year, filled with peace and love and kindness!
EXTREME COLD WARNING IN EFFECT
Date: 8:00 AM EST Sunday 31 December 2017
Condition: Mainly Sunny
Pressure: 102.8 kPa
Dew point: -27.9°C
Wind: NW 14 km/h
Wind Chill: -34
Visibility: 24 km
“Grief teaches the steadiest minds to waver.”
496 BC – 406 BC
“The only sure thing about luck is that it will change.”
1836 – 1902
You poor woman! Any chance you can go and stay with one of your children at least for a few days? Just so you don’t have to suffer around his happiness and to have some emotional support. Praying that 2018 is a kinder year for you, Maggie.
Thank you Eileen! The first time he did this my older daughter wanted me to come and stay with her for a few days. Since he came back and indicated his leaving was a mistake, I declined the offer in favour of trying to work things out. Things are not going to work out, I can see that clearly now, although I do not want to! I have company coming to stay next week, which will be wonderfufl for me, an old friend coming in by train. The rest of the week I will try to visit the Grandbabies every day that I can. I know time heals, but it won’t move fast enough for me!
Happy New Year Eileen!
Maggie, there’s no delicate way to share what I’m thinking. The last time I saw a man behave this erratically, it turned out that he had a brain tumor. Is it possible that there’s something organic going on here?
Happy New Year Wendy!
Maggie, I am sick to my stomach – again! You are in my thoughts and I will be praying for you to get strength from somewhere… but man alive, what is this world coming to? My spirit is with your spirit right now.
Happy New Year Bex!
My heart aches for you, Maggie. And in extreme temperatures like these to be dealing with that. Be with family as much as you can, and remember – ALWAYS – that you are very much loved and cherished. May January 1 be the day your life starts to get better.
Wendy, yes, I think there could be, but he would never consider it a factor. He is dead set on this course of action, as little sense as it makes. I suppose if he has a brain tumor that eventually symptoms will worsen to the point where diagnosis is inevitable. At this point I would almost prefer it was a brain tumor!
Bex, I could feel your presence through your words, I too am sick to my stomach, haven’t kept anything down since Friday, but I keep trying.
Happy New Year Bex!
Thank you Steve Paul, for your love and support, and kind words for the New Year… fingers crossed it will be a better one!
Happy New Year Steve Paul!
Maggie, I have only been reading your blog for a short time but I wanted to add that I am thinking about you. You must be completely bewildered and overwhelmed. I hope you sleep better tonight. Much love.
Birdie, thanks so much! I am bewildered, I cannot wrap my mind around my best friend choosing to do this, wanting to do this. It makes no sense to me. Sleep would be so very welcome!
Happy New Year Birdie!
Oh Maggie, there are no words that I can think of to console you. To be let down again in such a callous way, and for purely selfish reasons is unforgivable. I can only offer you my support and all caring thoughts and wishes.
Maggie, I’m so sorry – but perhaps not completely surprised.
Contrary to another suggestion, due to how divorce works in Ontario, I strongly suggest you do not leave the house. Attila, however, needs to leave. The year you have to wait for a no fault divorce begins when you have separate domiciles.
Don’t worry about a lawyer. You’re a highly intelligent woman and will be able to handle divorce in Ontario by yourself. I did.
Your new life begins with the new year. Turn your back on the past and warmnto all the good that life has to offer. Your mom can tell you about that, for sure. *many hugs*
Sandra, thank you for your caring thoughts and wishes, they warm me, as I face this new harsh reality. Thank you for recognizing that Attila has been callous and acted selfishly. It is true. He is a fool to take the actions he is taking, as he struggles with his own demons, and will not see that for some time. I will not be waiting for his enlightenment.
Happy New Year Sandra!
Teri, your advice about separate domociles is something I need to consider, thank you for that. I am not in any hurry to get divorced, Attila is willing to move out, but left with the choice, I want him to stay for now, and do not want to rush into any action at the moment. I am struggling with thoughts of destruction, but I know that acting on this will not be in my own best interest. My partnership with Attila is complex, and I will begin dismantling it this week, but it will be a slow process, which will need careful thought, and ideally, cooperation from Attila. His presence in the house is not disruptive, he is happy with his decision, so for now, as far as I can determine, we will cohabitate. As things evolve in 2018 the path will become clearer to me.
So far I am intensely experiencing the loss of something I cherished, my relationship with Attila, to the exclusion of all else. I am in a state of mental fugue, and things are not clear to me at this point. Nor do I have all the information I am going to need to move forward with practical matters. Right now I will focus on my broken heart, trying to eat, drinking water, and attempting to sleep, life is that small right now.
You are so right about my Mom! Her words to me were, when I told her last night what was going on, “buy ear plugs.” I love my Mom.
Happy New Year Teri!
I’m so sorry for you, that you are having this heartache, so awful. May you soon find clarity and peace mid the confusion and sorrow. So many prayers for you!
Teri…thanks for pointing my mistake about Maggie leaving the house. Was just thinking of her being where she could get some love and support but you are right! Maggie, check with a lawyer about this, too.
How painful, and maddening. After your loving descriptions of Atilla over the years, he seemed like such a wonderful man and so right for you. People will inevitably do what they want to do, however, and we must deal with it. I’m so sorry about this hurt and disappointment and all that goes with it. I am not above doing what I need to do for my own happiness, regardless of how it has hurt others. I have regrets, and no doubt Atilla will too one day. -Kate
Attila is a wonderful man, who is having serious issues, and making regretable decisions. You are right Kate, people have to do what they have to do, and he is, but perhaps is throwing the baby out with the bath water… time will tell. Attila is not doing any of this to hurt me, I am the innocent bystander.
This is not Attila’s finest hour.
It reminds me of a friend’s beloved husband whose care for and commitment to her and their marriage just seemed to vanish, and was never explained or understood. Eventually he disappeared and remains incommunicado. One cant help speculating: was it an illness, either mental or physical? Did he perhaps finally realize he wasnt straight? Was he in love with someone else and would never own up to it? Not knowing the answers to these questions and more made it so much harder for her than it had to be. It was like a loved one dying — the loss of the relationship was — and very cruel. I’m sure he didnt mean it to be — I certainly didnt mean it to be, when I myself followed my heart and broke others’ — but o how i wish now, looking back, that I had been more discerning and less selfish. I cant fault anyone for doing what they think they need to do to be true to themselves. But … my concern right now is for you. -Kate
That would truly be awful, not knowing the answers. I feel lucky in this regard, Attila has been available and forthright day and night since Saturday, answering any questions as completely as he has been able, taking the time to share what is going on with him, his reasons for taking such drastic action. He could not behave more honourably, while holding steadfast to his decision.
Kate, thank you for being there for me, I truly feel that Attila, you, and anyone must be true to themselves above all else, the details of how that is done are important. Making mistakes is human, and very hard to own when someone is hurt by your mistakes, so owning it is to be lauded. Being human is forgivable. I think I have already forgiven Attila his humanness, but that doesn’t take away the grief and pain and loss I am experiencing, which he is here to bear witness to, and attempts to support me however he can.
I think it might have been eaiser if Attila had died, to be honest. I would have lost my best friend, my life’s companion, to fate, but held him dear in memory. This way, in his chosing to end the union, I am not left with the feelings of being wanted that I used to have, the loss is greater. Also after much research I have found that there are groups and services for bereaved people, whereas there are no groups or services for people in my position.
Yes exactly; it would have been easier for my friend if her husband had actually died. This way one feels not just abandoned, but rejected. Very painful when you still love and care for someone.
I’ve always allowed my heart to lead me. The inherent mistake there is not realizing that passing, changeable emotions should not take precedence over one’s head. It has taken me many years to learn to tell the difference between “the weather” and the actual landscape. Even now I can be led astray for days at a time, to my own detriment and that of my partner.
Also, a partner can “check out” while never making the physical move or acknowledging that reality. The material structures and expectations remain but there can be a certain amount of not really living in truth. We want and deserve better, but if one or both people are not willing to be honest and take the consequences, how do you get there? Instead there is a relationship and commitment that isn’t very deep or meaningful or satisfying; it’s just going through the motions. Too many marriages are like that because we aren’t willing to take any risks. We’re stuck in our ruts. We don’t want to be alone, if it comes to that; better someone, and some security, than not.
Oh it’s all so hornswoggling.
I applaud your candour and courage in sharing your heartache and uncertainty here. We can all understand these feelings, that’s for sure.
Kate, I am not sure what I will end up with here, or if I will end up with anything at all, in the way of a “relationship”, or even a cohabitor… friendship of a sort? a new and different marital relationship? alone? no telling where all this is going, or if it is going anywhere at all. One thing I know about Atilla, he puts down roots in any domocile he lives in, and thus far in his life has been very resistant to changing locations. This stuff is really hard to visit, but you know, it has to be done! I think that if I don’t want to be alone I might not have to be, but I wouldn’t likely be in a loving partnership with my best friend, it would be something other than that, and I wonder if the pain would ever stop. So far this has been about endings, and new beginnings aren’t really coalescing to the point where they have taken any recognizable shape. Early days suck!