Worst New Year’s Eve Ever!

Worst New Year’s Eve Ever!

It was a hell of a day yesterday. Attila changed his mind, suddenly, again, and again feels the marriage is over, and that what he wants out of life is to “smoke cigarettes, paint (art), listen to loud rock music, and only think about himself”. He says he is running out of time and that is what he wants to do with the rest of his life.

Yesterday he was brutally honest, not in the least bit gentle, and did spend all night talking with me, filling in the blanks, answering my questions. The upshot is that although he says he still loves me more than anyone else in the world, it is not enough for him to want to be in a relationship with me, or to even consider me more than “just a friend”, not even a “special friend”. He says he doesn’t want to be responsible for anyone else’s happiness, that is too much of a burden for him.

Being responsible for my unhappiness it seems, is acceptable.

What a way to end 2017!

On Friday night I slept for about five hours, an improvement. We didn’t sleep last night at all, talked all night. We went to bed around 7:00 a.m., but I only fell asleep for a few moments here and there, awakened each time by the intense emotional shock, pain, and grief. Actually, I think my insomnia over the past week or so has been my subconscious reading the signs and reacting. I feel as if I will never sleep again.

Attila slept like a baby, a deep peaceful sleep, his decision has been made. Attila is not experiencing any sense of loss over this, and no pain at all. He is doing what he wants, and does not want to concern himself with my feelings, or anyone else’s. His willingness to talk things over with me won’t last, it is mainly guilt, and a bit of concern for me since he had “been rough on me today”, that motivated him to interact with me, I know that. So I took advantage of that window of communication to find out as much as I could about why my life is falling apart. Attila does not intend to interact with me much in future, and he no longer considers me his spouse. He is willing to move out, but not determined to do so at this point.

This is all very painful, actually more painful than the first time he announced he was moving out, earlier in December. Perhaps it hurts more because he came back the last time, citing his announcement as a “terrible terrible mistake”. Apparently the “terrible, terrible mistake” was mainly that finding an apartment was not flowing well, and his gut reaction was that it was a sign that he was going about this break up the wrong way. This is not what I was led to believe at the time… life is full of surprises.

My broken heart is colder than the wind chill factor today.

What a New Year’s Eve! Attila is in the kitchen cooking himself one of his favourite dishes, playing his music, whistling happily along. Me, I am collapsed in pain in my easy chair, tired beyond belief, nauseous and unable to eat, feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus and left in a ditch. I drift between denial, rage, and a deep, deep grief.

Jarringly I suppose, I wish you all a Happy New Year, filled with peace and love and kindness!

Worldly Distractions

Weather

EXTREME COLD WARNING IN EFFECT
-24°C
Date: 8:00 AM EST Sunday 31 December 2017
Condition: Mainly Sunny
Pressure: 102.8 kPa
Tendency: Rising
Temperature: -24.2°C
Dew point: -27.9°C
Humidity: 72%
Wind: NW 14 km/h
Wind Chill: -34
Visibility: 24 km

Quote

“Grief teaches the steadiest minds to waver.”
Sophocles
496 BC – 406 BC

“The only sure thing about luck is that it will change.”
Bret Harte
1836 – 1902

23 Comments
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Eileen

You poor woman! Any chance you can go and stay with one of your children at least for a few days? Just so you don’t have to suffer around his happiness and to have some emotional support. Praying that 2018 is a kinder year for you, Maggie.

WendyNC

Maggie, there’s no delicate way to share what I’m thinking. The last time I saw a man behave this erratically, it turned out that he had a brain tumor. Is it possible that there’s something organic going on here?

Happy New Year Wendy!

Bex Crowell

Maggie, I am sick to my stomach – again! You are in my thoughts and I will be praying for you to get strength from somewhere… but man alive, what is this world coming to? My spirit is with your spirit right now.

Happy New Year Bex!

Steve Paul Simms

My heart aches for you, Maggie. And in extreme temperatures like these to be dealing with that. Be with family as much as you can, and remember – ALWAYS – that you are very much loved and cherished. May January 1 be the day your life starts to get better.

Birdie

Maggie, I have only been reading your blog for a short time but I wanted to add that I am thinking about you. You must be completely bewildered and overwhelmed. I hope you sleep better tonight. Much love.

Sandra

Oh Maggie, there are no words that I can think of to console you. To be let down again in such a callous way, and for purely selfish reasons is unforgivable. I can only offer you my support and all caring thoughts and wishes.

Teri

Maggie, I’m so sorry – but perhaps not completely surprised.

Contrary to another suggestion, due to how divorce works in Ontario, I strongly suggest you do not leave the house. Attila, however, needs to leave. The year you have to wait for a no fault divorce begins when you have separate domiciles.

Don’t worry about a lawyer. You’re a highly intelligent woman and will be able to handle divorce in Ontario by yourself. I did.

Your new life begins with the new year. Turn your back on the past and warmnto all the good that life has to offer. Your mom can tell you about that, for sure. *many hugs*

Joan Lansberry

I’m so sorry for you, that you are having this heartache, so awful. May you soon find clarity and peace mid the confusion and sorrow. So many prayers for you!

Eileen

Teri…thanks for pointing my mistake about Maggie leaving the house. Was just thinking of her being where she could get some love and support but you are right! Maggie, check with a lawyer about this, too.

Stubblejumpers Cafe

How painful, and maddening. After your loving descriptions of Atilla over the years, he seemed like such a wonderful man and so right for you. People will inevitably do what they want to do, however, and we must deal with it. I’m so sorry about this hurt and disappointment and all that goes with it. I am not above doing what I need to do for my own happiness, regardless of how it has hurt others. I have regrets, and no doubt Atilla will too one day. -Kate

Stubblejumpers Cafe

It reminds me of a friend’s beloved husband whose care for and commitment to her and their marriage just seemed to vanish, and was never explained or understood. Eventually he disappeared and remains incommunicado. One cant help speculating: was it an illness, either mental or physical? Did he perhaps finally realize he wasnt straight? Was he in love with someone else and would never own up to it? Not knowing the answers to these questions and more made it so much harder for her than it had to be. It was like a loved one dying — the loss of the relationship was — and very cruel. I’m sure he didnt mean it to be — I certainly didnt mean it to be, when I myself followed my heart and broke others’ — but o how i wish now, looking back, that I had been more discerning and less selfish. I cant fault anyone for doing what they think they need to do to be true to themselves. But … my concern right now is for you. -Kate

Stubblejumpers Cafe

Yes exactly; it would have been easier for my friend if her husband had actually died. This way one feels not just abandoned, but rejected. Very painful when you still love and care for someone.

I’ve always allowed my heart to lead me. The inherent mistake there is not realizing that passing, changeable emotions should not take precedence over one’s head. It has taken me many years to learn to tell the difference between “the weather” and the actual landscape. Even now I can be led astray for days at a time, to my own detriment and that of my partner.

Also, a partner can “check out” while never making the physical move or acknowledging that reality. The material structures and expectations remain but there can be a certain amount of not really living in truth. We want and deserve better, but if one or both people are not willing to be honest and take the consequences, how do you get there? Instead there is a relationship and commitment that isn’t very deep or meaningful or satisfying; it’s just going through the motions. Too many marriages are like that because we aren’t willing to take any risks. We’re stuck in our ruts. We don’t want to be alone, if it comes to that; better someone, and some security, than not.

Oh it’s all so hornswoggling.

I applaud your candour and courage in sharing your heartache and uncertainty here. We can all understand these feelings, that’s for sure.

-Kate