Worst New Year’s Eve Ever!

It was a hell of a day yesterday. Attila changed his mind, suddenly, again, and again feels the marriage is over, and that what he wants out of life is to “smoke cigarettes, paint (art), listen to loud rock music, and only think about himself”. He says he is running out of time and that is what he wants to do with the rest of his life.

Yesterday he was brutally honest, not in the least bit gentle, and did spend all night talking with me, filling in the blanks, answering my questions. The upshot is that although he says he still loves me more than anyone else in the world, it is not enough for him to want to be in a relationship with me, or to even consider me more than “just a friend”, not even a “special friend”. He says he doesn’t want to be responsible for anyone else’s happiness, that is too much of a burden for him.

Being responsible for my unhappiness it seems, is acceptable.

What a way to end 2017!

On Friday night I slept for about five hours, an improvement. We didn’t sleep last night at all, talked all night. We went to bed around 7:00 a.m., but I only fell asleep for a few moments here and there, awakened each time by the intense emotional shock, pain, and grief. Actually, I think my insomnia over the past week or so has been my subconscious reading the signs and reacting. I feel as if I will never sleep again.

Attila slept like a baby, a deep peaceful sleep, his decision has been made. Attila is not experiencing any sense of loss over this, and no pain at all. He is doing what he wants, and does not want to concern himself with my feelings, or anyone else’s. His willingness to talk things over with me won’t last, it is mainly guilt, and a bit of concern for me since he had “been rough on me today”, that motivated him to interact with me, I know that. So I took advantage of that window of communication to find out as much as I could about why my life is falling apart. Attila does not intend to interact with me much in future, and he no longer considers me his spouse. He is willing to move out, but not determined to do so at this point.

This is all very painful, actually more painful than the first time he announced he was moving out, earlier in December. Perhaps it hurts more because he came back the last time, citing his announcement as a “terrible terrible mistake”. Apparently the “terrible, terrible mistake” was mainly that finding an apartment was not flowing well, and his gut reaction was that it was a sign that he was going about this break up the wrong way. This is not what I was led to believe at the time… life is full of surprises.

My broken heart is colder than the wind chill factor today.

What a New Year’s Eve! Attila is in the kitchen cooking himself one of his favourite dishes, playing his music, whistling happily along. Me, I am collapsed in pain in my easy chair, tired beyond belief, nauseous and unable to eat, feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus and left in a ditch. I drift between denial, rage, and a deep, deep grief.

Jarringly I suppose, I wish you all a Happy New Year, filled with peace and love and kindness!

Worldly Distractions


Date: 8:00 AM EST Sunday 31 December 2017
Condition: Mainly Sunny
Pressure: 102.8 kPa
Tendency: Rising
Temperature: -24.2°C
Dew point: -27.9°C
Humidity: 72%
Wind: NW 14 km/h
Wind Chill: -34
Visibility: 24 km


“Grief teaches the steadiest minds to waver.”
496 BC – 406 BC

“The only sure thing about luck is that it will change.”
Bret Harte
1836 – 1902


Another frigid day has dawned. I am beginning to feel housebound, I think it is time for a shopping excursion, if nothing else. It will need to be in a big box store, or a mall, due to the intensity of the cold.

This much cold creates a few domestic challenges, but nothing terribly intrusive. There is a significant draft along our floors, unheated basement and single pane windows, and my ankles get cold, so I have am wearing boots as slippers. The oil furnace is providing all of the heat in the house, and the air is becoming quite dry. The humidifier is running constantly, so that I must refill it with water constantly. We are keeping an eye on our uninsulated, unheated basement, where the temperature continues to fall, we don’t want the pipes to freeze.

Posted on Facebook today:

“Fun facts:
1) 9 out of the 10 coldest places on earth today were in Canada
2) it’s been warmer at the South Pole than in #ygk this week
3) it’s warmer on some parts of Mars than in most parts of Canada right now
Actually, none of those were fun. Sorry.”

Attila worked today, and I spent a quiet day crocheting, watching a movie, and working on the jigsaw puzzle. A very peaceful day. Except for food, it was a bad food day!

I ate Cheerios for breakfast, purchased for the Grandbabies, eaten by Grandma, and I might as well have taken a vitamin pill and downed a few teaspoons of sugar, for all the nutrition provided in my bowl. It was a crap breakfast. How do people feed this stuff to their kids and call it food!

In the afternoon I broke into the homemade cherry centred chocolates, that Attila made and gave to me as a Christmas present. And as if that were not bad enough, I also broke into a box of chocolates that Luna and Janus gave us for Christmas. Then we ate a turkey dinner, which was my healthiest consumption of the day. The box of chocolates from Luna and Janus is now in Attila’s car, he will eat the rest on his breaks at work next week. The box of Cheerios is still leering at me from the top of the refrigerator, and there are only a few left of the decadent chocolates Attila made. I won’t be doing any more baking. Now all I have to do is figure out a way to take care of those odious Cheerios!

Worldly Distractions


Date: 6:00 AM EST Friday 29 December 2017
Condition: Mostly Cloudy
Pressure: 103.0 kPa
Tendency: Falling
Temperature: -23.6°C
Dew point: -26.8°C
Humidity: 75%
Wind: NNW 10 km/h
Wind Chill: -32
Visibility: 24 km


“We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand… and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late.”
Marie Beyon Ray

Clear and Frosty Morning

Yesterday we got to see almost all of our Grandbabies! Terra hosted a family get together at their large country house. Luna and Janus and Imp and Elf and Tink were in Quebec City for Christmas, a work related situation, and stopped for a day and night at Terra’s house. They arrived at Terra and Lares’ home yesterday morning, minutes before we did. Terra cooked a delicious turkey dinner, I brought pumpkin pie squares, mincemeat squares (homemade mincemeat), Attila’s chocolate chip cookies, and ice cream. We enjoyed a wonderful day together, saying our goodbyes late in the evening, as Attila and I left to head home. Luna and family left this morning to make another stop before carrying on to their home.

What wonderful little creatures grandchildren are. Their personalities, their innocences, each unique and fascinating. It always, always, surprises me that they remember me, that they love me even thought so little our lives are shared, and how much I love them. I think they can tell that they delight me, to the very core of my being. My highlights were Sunny and Sky strutting around in their new foot blankets, tottering a bit now and then in their toddlery ways.

Another activity I enjoy with the Grandkids is back massages. Elf and I exchanged back rubbing and hand rubbing, taking turns. Elf has always enjoyed physical affection, as do I. I have been rubbing his back, his feet, his head, ever since he was a baby. This visit he gave me a hand massage while I rubbed his back, then I gave him a hand massage while he rubbed my back… could there be any greater joy in life! And the back rubbing continued, as Imp took her turn having her back rubbed, and then Tink took her turn. I love touching these wondrous living creatures, feeling the warmth and softness of their skin. It is life affirming, this contact with healthy blooming lives, that are a continuation of the love passed down by my Mom, my Granny, my Grandpa, and those loved ones who came before them and shaped our lives in untold ways.

It is very cold right now, a true cold snap. We are very grateful to be tucked up here, safe and warm, in Mist Cottage. I worship our thermostat, which I still do not take for granted. Attila is spending his time off work happily in the kitchen, preparing all his favourite foods, taking his time, enjoying the leisurely pace. Attila loves to eat, and thankfully he prefers his own cooking!

My days are floating gently by, filled with a bit of crochet work, a bit of writing, a bit of baking, a very difficult crossword puzzle (Van Gogh’s Starry Night), a bit of dithering about on the computer, and the hard work of resisting the urge to overindulge in all the wonderful holiday food we have in the house. The extreme cold is enforcing inactivity at the moment, the elliptical machine calls to me from the corner of the living room, I’ve ignored it for days… but not tonight.

Worldly Distractions


DATE: Wednesday 27 December 2917
A few clouds
Wind 14km/h NE
Wind gust 21km/h
Humidity 78%
Sunrise 7:43 AM
Sunset 4:33 PM
Pressure 103.3kPa
Visibility 24km
Ceiling 30000ft

Date: 6:00 AM EST Thursday 28 December 2017
Condition: Clear
Pressure: 103.8 kPa
Tendency: Rising
Temperature: -25.8°C
Dew point: -30.1°C
Humidity: 68%
Wind: W 16 km/h
Wind Chill: -37
Visibility: 24 km


“The artist is a receptacle for emotions that come from all over the place: from the sky, from the earth, from a scrap of paper, from a passing shape…”
Pablo Picasso
1881 – 1973


OK, I am officially tired of this now. It is almost 5 a.m. and I have been awake since 3 a.m. I have been waking up at 3 a.m. now for more than a week, an extremely tiresome situation. This morning I thought I might go back to sleep, and it might have happened, maybe, but Attila snores, and he was making quite a racket. Of course, my inability to drop off to sleep might not be related to the snoring at all, after all, Attila hasn’t been snoring on any of the other 3 a.m. eye openers I’ve been experiencing, and I didn’t fall asleep on those mornings either. By 4 a.m. I grew tired of lying in my bed in the dark, so I arose, came out into the living room and turned on the Christmas tree lights.

I am not napping. I don’t catch up. I don’t feel tired, not at any point in the day, except my usual “down time” around 4 p.m.

So here I sit, looking out the window at blackness, staring into the computer monitor, seeking noiseless amusement until the rest of the world stirs… which in my case is Attila, “nobody here but us chickens” as they say. I don’t mind doing this every so often, but it is getting quite tedious now. This is the longest bout of this form of insomnia that I have had in a long time. The other form of insomnia that visits me, is not being able to fall asleep at bedtime. Of the two forms, I prefer this one, waking up super early.

Attila sleeps, as a rule, three or more hours per night than I do. He seems to need more sleep, and doesn’t seem to have any trouble getting to sleep, or staying asleep.

I think today I will try to think of a change of scene, get out and about somewhere, to break up the energy a bit. Maybe that will help. But where to go! Shopping is the only rock solid choice, always available, no invitation needed, just bring money. But shopping is boring when you don’t need or want anything, and I really don’t need or want anything. I will probably go shopping though, as it is such a readily available activity. I might do my $5 challenge shop, spend hours looking for the perfect $5 purchase… this gets more challenging every year.

The temperature outside has dropped significantly overnight, and it looks like we will be having a cold snap for the rest of 2017. Our oil furnace takes over heating the house when it gets this cold (as low as -26C is predicted), so I’ll be kept busy attempting to keep the humidity above 30% in the house. The humidifier is running 24/7, moistened clothes are draped by every heating register, and laundry is hung to air dry… with all this the humidity hovers and dips around 30% relative humidity.

One of my gifts from Attila this year is a pair of genuine Crocs. I have a dollar store pair, that I have worn for many years, which are more like spongy marshmallows on my feet than shoes. The soles of the cheap knock-offs are so flimsy that I can feel coins on the floor underfoot, and they are not altogether stable. The Crocs are infinitely better shoes! They are more comfortable and more stable to start with, and the soles are sturdy enough to protect my feet, even out of doors. I wear them as slippers in the winter here at Mist Cottage, to keep my feet from losing heat to the unheated floors.

After a big turkey dinner there will be leftover turkey dinners for the rest of the week, which is something we both look forward to.

The card table has been setup in the living room, and a jigsaw puzzle started. We both enjoy jigsaw puzzles. I have many fond memories of doing puzzles at my Granny and Grandpa’s house, during long summer days, and in later years with my Mom and sisters, including just this past visit for our Christmas get together. The puzzle we are working on now, at Mist Cottage, is an image of Van Gogh’s Starry Night, which we purchased at the Van Gogh exhibition in Ottawa, in 2012, at the National Gallery.

It is now 6 a.m. I have been awake for three hours and feel comfortable making a wee bit of noise in the house, so I am off to the kitchen to start brewing the morning coffee!

Worldly Distractions


Date: 5:00 AM EST Tuesday 26 December 2017
Condition: Not observed
Pressure: 102.2 kPa
Tendency: Rising
Temperature: -11.7°C
Dew point: -18.0°C
Humidity: 60%
Wind: W 18 gust 27 km/h
Wind Chill: -20


“On a lazy Saturday morning when you’re lying in bed, drifting in and out of sleep, there is a space where fantasy and reality become one. Are you awake, or are you dreaming? You see people and things; some are familiar; some are strange. You talk, you feel, but you move without walking; you fly without wings. Your mind and your body exist, but on separate planes. Time stands still. For me, this is the feeling I have when ideas come.”
Lynn Johnston
1947 –

My daughter’s have described something similarly pleasant to this, and Attila has as well. This drifting state has never been a desirable encounter for me. What Ms. Johnston describes sounds like a fairy tale. I envy that people could have this experience.

What different worlds we have lived in, what different exposures colour our realities, and sketch our internal landscapes. The drifting state is a terrain of nightmares and horrors in my universe, a no man’s land where angels, and I, fear to tread. I would not tarry there for all the world. I find my peace and inspiration elsewhere.

One cannot assume that any experience is universal. We, and certain uses of you, and one, are truly royal words.