In between my short bouts of complete emotional meltdown, they come and go during the day, I am getting things done.

Today I called the pharmacy to inquire if there are medications that the walk-in clinic doctors would actually prescribe for me, for insomnia, that would work. I have tried all the home remedies, and still I am only sleeping around four hours a night, a few nights I get more sleep than that, but frequently less. I am in sleep deficit, and I think this intensifies the feelings of fear and pain, and makes it more difficult to deal with them effectively. The pharmacist told me there are several options, so it is going to be worthwhile to go in to the walk-in clinic and try to get a prescription. I regard the medication as a temporary leg-up, to let me rest adequately through this ordeal.

I spent a lot of time, yesterday and today, looking at classes and activities in the city, and found something I want to attend this weekend, during the day. I will go and see what it is like. I am actively looking to replace my yoga class with something more life affirming.

I have decided not to return to the yoga class. Three factors make it a poor fit: one, there are males in the class and one of them is showing an unwelcome, but not odious, interest in me, yuck; two, the invisible ball throwing game is not my cup of tea, and it gives the male the opportunity to make eye contact with me and interact with me, double yuck; three, the class is geared to the needs of several developmentally delayed individuals, who are brought there by their PSW (Personal Support Worker), and while I have no objection to the class accommodating their specific needs, I don’t need what they need, and feel the class is a poor fit for me. I think my presence would not be an asset to the group, or to me. I have decided to just stop going, and write off the expense, I had to pay for the whole session to join, and buy a membership in the organization. I will write off the membership fee as a contribution to the organization. I tried, good for me, I tried. This class was taking more away from me than it was giving me.

Right now in particular, an activity either has to add something of value to my life, or I won’t be bothering with it.

Hopefully the activity that I am planning to attend this weekend will be enjoyable. It is hard to tell on a first visit, because the nervousness of a new situation can colour the experience. I usually give new experiences like this three tries before I decide about them, unless there are compelling reasons not to.

I paid bills today, not a fun job, but it is my job, always has been. Glad to have all that sorted, things got behind over Christmas and are starting to right themselves again.

Also managed 25 minutes on the elliptical.

It is mild today. The snow is melting, and the sky is gray. I keep the handmade table lamp in the corner of the room turned on, as it adds a lovely golden glow to the living room.

Worldly Distractions


Date: 1:00 PM EST Thursday 18 January 2018
Condition: Light Snow
Pressure: 101.6 kPa
Tendency: Falling
Temperature: -4.6°C
Dew point: -8.4°C
Humidity: 75%
Wind: WSW 15 km/h
Wind Chill: -10
Visibility: 11 km


“Love is everything it’s cracked up to be… It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.”
Erica Jong


  1. Teri

    Ah, good. I’m glad you’re putting the yoga class behind you. It seemed a poor fit and you’re right that spending time in an activity should add something of value to your life.

    That said, maybe you should consider giving Attila his or some of the shared bills to pay. As you said, it’s not a fun activity and I personally think Attila needs to start experiencing a little of what having total responsibility for his life will be like. Not to mention that taking some work off your plate lightens your load.

    Though you found it distasteful, it’s still a kind of positive that there was someone in your yoga class who was attracted to you. You’ve said at times that you’re not happy with how you look. Just goes to show some people might find you attractive, even if you don’t always think well of yourself, even though you don’t want their attention.

    Another day moving forward, Maggie. And another minute added to our daylight. A few more weeks and the sun will start setting in the evening, the way it should.

  2. Teri, I will not be making any changes to the way things are done yet, not until I get the lie of the land.

    The skies are getting brighter every day!! I watched the the trees this morning, at 7:00 a.m. I could not see them out the window, at 7:10 a.m. this morning I began to see the outline of the branches. It is something I can watch change day by day.

  3. WendyNC

    Good for you for deciding to cut your losses and move on from that yoga class. Life is too freaking challenging already without volunteering for any additional discomfort. I hope the weekend activity turns out to be something you enjoy.

    As the one who has full responsibility for financial management in both business and household, I appreciate the work involved in the constant juggling. I certainly wouldn’t let a mess-maker in my books–especially when everything else is so topsy-turvy.

  4. Maggie, I am guessing you have already tried melatonin. It’s over the counter and was recommended to me by my naturopath. Most people only try 1 or 3 mg. and for most people that’s not enough. I take 10 mg. and sleep quite well. If you can find a short-acting, that gets you to sleep, and a long-acting that helps you stay asleep, that is ideal. My husband swears by the sublingual but I find the regular supplement works fine.
    I hope you find something soon and you wake up refreshed.

  5. Wendy, I am looking forward to seeing what this weekend activity has to offer. It takes me a while to adjust to new settings, place and/or people, but once there is a bit of familiarity, I do enjoy myself if the fit is right.

    The whole viabilitiy of our current existance has always been tenuous, and it is all the moreso now, so right about not letting a mess-maker in my books!

  6. Birdie, I had been trying 6 mg sublingual, which has had no effect at all, either helping me to fall asleep, or to help me stay asleep for more than three or four hours. I will try something much stronger in the short term, until the surprises stop coming at me, and the shock has been processed. For now, I am in full survival mode, fight or flight. I’ve nowhere to go, so fight it is, and sleep isn’t part of that physical experience.

  7. TopsyTurvy (Teri)

    Why are fight or flight the only choices? Isn’t there an acceptance of what is in there anywhere? (I know, you’re not ready to give up yet. I’m just looking for the least stressful and perhaps most realistic response.)

    Maybe there are even choices beyond those three. Might be good to be on the look out for alternatives.

  8. Teri, it isn’t a matter of choice, it is a biological reaction to trauma:

    “The fight-or-flight response (also called hyperarousal, or the acute stress response) is a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to survival. It was first described by Walter Bradford Cannon.”

  9. Teri

    Lol! Maggie, having a degree in Psych, I know exactly what it is. I also know you’re a highly intelligent human and instinctive reactions are not your only choices.

    Hope you’ll keep your options open and keep adding in alternatives. *hug*

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