Meditation

This morning I readied myself and set forth for my class. Attila has stopped cleaning off my vehicle for me, with this last snowfall, when he cleans off his. He had always done this, and I have always appreciated it. That really stung this morning, as it is the first time it has come up, that the courtesy is no longer extended to me. This is part of the “only think of myself” mission I suppose. I can clean off my own vehicle, that is not the issue, it is that I have to face the loss of an intimacy that I had valued. My days are full to the brim with losses, and there will be more, and more significant losses to come. Deconstruction continues.

Yoga was interesting today. I attended before, and it was an easy place to be friendly, while busy with a shared activity. This time round though, a social element has been added, with imaginary play, sitting in a circle and throwing an imaginary ball at one another for about 20 minutes. To be honest, even at the best of times, I wouldn’t enjoy this type of social interaction. Right now however, I find it distressing. The first ten minutes I managed to hide my discomfort, but I think my feelings must have been showing on my face, and/or body language, because inclusion in the game fell away me, and I was left to mostly sit watching the action, faking laughter when everyone else laughed, a smile pasted on my face. One of the women mentioned, as we were putting on our winter clothing to leave, that it was just a bit of fun. I responded that it was good to have fun, in as positive a way as I could, remaining as smiling and friendly as I could. Everyone else appeared to enjoy it, and I am happy for them. I don’t feel the same way about it though, and I found myself watching every minute go by on the clock during the imaginary ball throwing portion. I have paid for five more classes, and so I will attend what I paid for.

The yoga class is about all that is affordable and available, unless I drive 40 km to the nearest city. I think I will have to do that, to find activities that I can physically handle, and also enjoy. I have had a look, and there do seem to be quite a few activities I could handle and afford, so it is a matter of signing up, and driving there and back when I want to spend an hour or so with other people. The winter is a bit of a stretch, it is quite a drive, and night driving in bad weather isn’t my favourite thing to do, but needs must. Also, I have to pay for a series of classes up front, so if the roads are bad my recreational funds have been spent for naught.

I attended a meditation class in the city last night, and I really liked it. It was interesting, as there were a variety of people there, so very different from one another. Fascinating. People greeted me at the door with smiles and a welcome. It was almost a full house, and people were pleasantly chatting to one another, a very friendly, easy atmosphere was created. When out alone in a strange setting, I am aware of everything around me. There was a fellow sitting in front of me with an iPad, who was taking pictures of everything; when I noticed his camera targeting me (I could see the view screen), I managed to duck behind his head so as not to be in his photograph. There was another fellow sitting a few rows up from me, who from time to time leaned to the left and farted, very odd. He tried to make eye contact with me at one point, I stared past him. The fellow sitting right next to me on my right fell asleep near the beginning of the meditation segment, and spent the entire meditation time sleeping, breathing loudly, and snorting from time to time. Despite all of these little things that I noticed, the room was full of very good energy, and it felt good to be there. I will go again, and look forward to it.

After my class Attila and I attended a music event, which we both enjoyed.

It was a pleasant evening out in the city.

A bit of a rough day emotionally. Some small things came up between Attila and I this morning before he left for work which I need to think through, and work through my feelings. And the emotions involved with cleaning off Tank needed to be dealt with. It is tough work.

After hitting some snags while working on the website project, I have cleared a hurdle and can now proceed again. I really welcome this bit of work right now, it will help to keep me grounded, and prevent me from spinning off into my heartbreak.

Worldly Distractions

Weather

-7°C
Date: 12:00 PM EST Wednesday 17 January 2018
Condition: Light Snow
Pressure: 102.7 kPa
Tendency: Falling
Temperature: -7.3°C
Dew point: -9.3°C
Humidity: 86%
Wind: SW 13 km/h
Wind Chill: -13
Visibility: 2 km

Quote

“As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it.”
Mahatma Gandhi
1869 – 1948

21 Comments

  1. TopsyTurvy (Teri)

    Well, ouch! Yes, I can definitely see where Attila not cleaning Tank off for you when it was a beloved standard would hurt. Not at all impressed with that. Just because you don’t want to be married to someone doesn’t mean you have a reason to stop being kind. It almost sounds like a purposeful vindictive move.

    I can see where 20 minutes of throwung an imaginary ball would begin to wear on you. I think even 5 minutes of throwing an imaginary ball would begin to wear on me.

    Had to smile at your meditation class. Not so sure I’d be comfortable with your classmates.

    I find that classes around here geared to our ages tend to be during the day, and often early in the morning. I’m surprised you’re not finding the same thing.

  2. It was a pretty big ouch Teri, those courtesies will be dissappearing with greater and greater regularity. Next week we stop eating dinner together on a regular basis, and that one is really going to hurt, even though I know it is coming. If there is any vindictiveness here, I cannot detect it. He wants to distance himself from thinking about me, do only what he wants, when he wants, and that is what he is doing. He is hurtling along desperate to go after what he thinks he needs, which is this detachment, and an immersion in his art.

    My meditation classmates were an interesting bunch. The majority of the people there were friendly or benign, it was a safe space, and it felt good. Luckily this one is a pay as you go class, so that I can always just stop going if I find it doesn’t do it for me.

    Most classes are during the day, but not the one I wanted to try out. I liked it, so I will go again because it is something that I now know I can attend in the evening alone, with some degree of comfort. Most of the other classes I am looking into occur during the day, which is good.

  3. WendyNC

    Okay, going to keep from making any remarks about what I think since I’m not there and don’t really know. [grumble, grumble, grumble]

    Anyway, it’s been snowing steadily here in the sunny South since shortly before dawn. The Shibas went out a little bit ago and tried to do some snow racing, but it ended up being more like really fast bunny hopping. Didn’t get a video because I was too busy watching and laughing at their antics.

  4. Teri

    You’ll stop eating together next week? Scheduling things, or maybe de-scheduling things, you do together seems unusual. Could it be that these changes are things that niggled at Attila for some time and now he’s breaking out of a pattern he feels he was forced into? (Possibly because he didn’t speak up before and say it didn’t work for him?)

    Maybe I’m misreading things but it sounds like Attila hasn’t been voicing his preferences and everything is now coming to a head, where he’s going full force in the other direction and only wants to do what he wants to do.

  5. Wendy, I know Attila’s behavior makes no damn sense out of context! I know some of the context, but there is a lot I still don’t understand myself, and I don’t think he understands it either. This midlife crisis thing is mindbending for him, and excruciating for me.

    Wow, snowing steadily! That sounds so cute, bunny hopping in the snow!

  6. Attila didn’t feel forced into any patterns Teri, they were all patterns he helped to build, and now wants to take apart, to seek his own happiness. He said he had an epiphany last September, of which I knew nothing, and this whole miserable mess is what he came up with to seek his own happiness. You are correct, he did not speak about 99% of this, over the last 25 years. He has decided to end our marriage, and it is my experience of him, that when he gets a bee in his bonnet there is nothing in the universe that changes his course. He is called Attila here for a reason. I don’t blame myself for not knowing what he wasn’t telling me, there were no warning signs, I actually wonder if he knew himself how much of an effect his way of doing things would have on our lives.

  7. Yoga will strengthen you physically, mentally and emotionally, no matter what you are going through. Keep it up … especially, Maggie, if you can do some every day at home, not missing more than one day in a row; that is more effective than once or twice a week. I find hatha yoga a very centering practice and once you know which postures you want in your routine, classes elsewhere aren’t required (motivational and educational though they can be).

    Hang in there; everything’s going to be fine. You’re too sensible for it not to be. Pain and fear and loss are all part of life, but regular meditation and yoga minimize their impact. You are doing all the right things.

    -Kate

  8. Sandy

    Not cleaning off Tank does seem an act of rudeness. And his insistence to not eat together seems strange and also hurtful. Is the plan to continue to live there together for a while? If so, then perhaps stopping the things you do for him would be the route to go.

    While it certainly sounds like a classic midlife crisis, I do wonder if there’s not something organically wrong with him. Was he ever successful with his art in the past? I’m wondering if it’s a delusion of sorts that he will have wild success at that and has to dramatically change his life to do that.

    Ok sitting in a circle with strangers tossing around an imaginary ball is my definition of hell on earth. I would have run fleeing into the night. Aside from fun (?), what was the point?

    I applaud that you’re going out to your own activities and meeting new people. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but I think this new phase of your life could be very exciting and productive.

  9. Kate, the yoga at home would be a good idea, I actually have a video of yoga that will suit my needs due to my arthritis, I could go along with that every day. Good idea. I have the means to do these things, but I will say that when ideas are shared with me, it is of great help.

    Thanks for the “everything will be all right”, I need to keep that firmly in front of me, as much as I can.

  10. Sandy, Attila has no real conception about how much I do for him. I have done it out of love, and it looks easy, but it isn’t easy, I just haven’t regarded it as a burden.

    Attila does not have wild illusions about his art. It is his passion, and it isn’t about success, it is about doing the art, just about doing it. There is nothing unrealistic about Attila’s plans, the unrealistic element is the plan he has come up with to get where he wants to go.

    “Ok sitting in a circle with strangers tossing around an imaginary ball is my definition of hell on earth.”

    Sandy I laughed out loud at this! Yes, hell on earth describes it well. It is too bad they made me pay for the whole series of classes, because I’d be outa there if I hadn’t invested in it, but as it is, it is close by, and I do get out, so I will try to toughen up, smile and get what I can out of it. But I won’t be signing up for it again!

    A few times over the last few days I have felt that there might be some interesting and exciting things to learn and explore in my future, it was a good feeling. I am hoping that the hope for that becomes more prominent than the pain! I keep thinking that if we can just get through this deconstruction without exploding, we might be able to find a resting spot, where he goes off to paint and I carry on finding other people to have in my life in a real face-to-face way. There are many other paths that this may take though, so I do not want to let myself fantasize too much about any particular outcome.

  11. WendyNC

    It would have been a lot easier for him to decide to turn the shed he built into a studio and announce he needed to go do his art there whenever he needed to do it. For some reason, it annoys me when people who have artistic passions of whatever stripe are uncreative in their problem solving.

  12. Wendy, I find it a hell of a lot more than annoying!!! LOL You hit the nail on the head… I would have gone for that, turning the shed into a studio. It is my hope that Attila works his way through this “blockage” and sees his way clear to going after what he wants in life in a more balanced way. He hopes so too I think.

  13. Attila and I have had a chance to sit down and review what was going on with Tank not being cleaned off. He assures me that it was circumstantial and unfortunate, particularly after the issue that came up before he left the house. So confusing, which of the withdrawn connections are deliberate, which circumstantial, we just have to keep the communication going to get through this.

    The issue from this morning was thoroughly discussed, and I think we are now on the same page with it now.

    I think roller coaster really does come close to describing this situation.

    Thank you everyone for all your wonderful feedback, this was a tough day, and I got through it, with a little help from my friends.

  14. Sandy

    I’m glad you had a chance to talk things out and there’s more clarity and understanding.

    Wendy’s idea of turning the shed into an art studio is pure genius. Could he do that in the Spring? It would give him privacy for his art which is maybe what he wants deep down inside and could have without all the upheaval.

    Lol I’m glad you laughed 🙂

  15. Eileen

    Glad to hear that you are getting out of the house and being around other people, Maggie. Tossing an imaginary ball around is weird. LOL I would have accidentally missed the ball and said that it rolled away…oh, well! 🙂 Hope that life is gentle with you and that every day brings a new pleasure to you.

  16. Sandy, the shed to studio idea is brilliant! Attila has talked of plans to put a new roof on the garage in the spring, and perhaps to insulate it, and add some heat, to use the garage as a studio. I am going to introduce the idea of the garden shed to him, so he can think about it before spring arrives.

    It felt good to laugh.

  17. Elleen, what wonderful wishes to send my way, thank you!

    The invisible ball tossing thing was weird. I was thinking about how I was going to get through the next five classes, with 20 minutes of this every time, and I am going to try passing the ball to the yoga instructor each time it comes to me, then she can take charge of action, it is her game after all.

  18. So many comments, I can’t read them right now. But have to say the meditation class cracked me up, especially the farting gentleman. The older we/I get, the more farts sneak out unexpectedly, uncontrollable! I must be my father because he did it a lot, too. So embarrassing!

    Are there any crocheting groups near you that you cold join in with? Just sitting there crocheting with others might be fun. oxo

  19. Bex, the farting gentleman was quite the character. His farts didn’t just squeak out, he anticipated them, position his bottom, and let it rip. 🙂 He also had a gigantic water bottle, and would grab it, tip it up, guzzle as loudly as he could, then snap the cap back on, and set it down again. Most of charm was aimed to get the attention of the woman sitting directly in front of him, she chatted with him a bit, didn’t seem to mind him at all. But then, smiles can hide a lot.

    A crochet group was my very first thought after Attila’s first announcement. I looked for crocheting groups, diligently, hours and hours of searching… no such thing. I found a facebook group near me, and put in a request to join, no response, could mean anything, but what I do know is that it is another dead end. I’ll keep my eyes and ears open though. xox

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