Meditation

Meditation

This morning I readied myself and set forth for my class. Attila has stopped cleaning off my vehicle for me, with this last snowfall, when he cleans off his. He had always done this, and I have always appreciated it. That really stung this morning, as it is the first time it has come up, that the courtesy is no longer extended to me. This is part of the “only think of myself” mission I suppose. I can clean off my own vehicle, that is not the issue, it is that I have to face the loss of an intimacy that I had valued. My days are full to the brim with losses, and there will be more, and more significant losses to come. Deconstruction continues.

Yoga was interesting today. I attended before, and it was an easy place to be friendly, while busy with a shared activity. This time round though, a social element has been added, with imaginary play, sitting in a circle and throwing an imaginary ball at one another for about 20 minutes. To be honest, even at the best of times, I wouldn’t enjoy this type of social interaction. Right now however, I find it distressing. The first ten minutes I managed to hide my discomfort, but I think my feelings must have been showing on my face, and/or body language, because inclusion in the game fell away me, and I was left to mostly sit watching the action, faking laughter when everyone else laughed, a smile pasted on my face. One of the women mentioned, as we were putting on our winter clothing to leave, that it was just a bit of fun. I responded that it was good to have fun, in as positive a way as I could, remaining as smiling and friendly as I could. Everyone else appeared to enjoy it, and I am happy for them. I don’t feel the same way about it though, and I found myself watching every minute go by on the clock during the imaginary ball throwing portion. I have paid for five more classes, and so I will attend what I paid for.

The yoga class is about all that is affordable and available, unless I drive 40 km to the nearest city. I think I will have to do that, to find activities that I can physically handle, and also enjoy. I have had a look, and there do seem to be quite a few activities I could handle and afford, so it is a matter of signing up, and driving there and back when I want to spend an hour or so with other people. The winter is a bit of a stretch, it is quite a drive, and night driving in bad weather isn’t my favourite thing to do, but needs must. Also, I have to pay for a series of classes up front, so if the roads are bad my recreational funds have been spent for naught.

I attended a meditation class in the city last night, and I really liked it. It was interesting, as there were a variety of people there, so very different from one another. Fascinating. People greeted me at the door with smiles and a welcome. It was almost a full house, and people were pleasantly chatting to one another, a very friendly, easy atmosphere was created. When out alone in a strange setting, I am aware of everything around me. There was a fellow sitting in front of me with an iPad, who was taking pictures of everything; when I noticed his camera targeting me (I could see the view screen), I managed to duck behind his head so as not to be in his photograph. There was another fellow sitting a few rows up from me, who from time to time leaned to the left and farted, very odd. He tried to make eye contact with me at one point, I stared past him. The fellow sitting right next to me on my right fell asleep near the beginning of the meditation segment, and spent the entire meditation time sleeping, breathing loudly, and snorting from time to time. Despite all of these little things that I noticed, the room was full of very good energy, and it felt good to be there. I will go again, and look forward to it.

After my class Attila and I attended a music event, which we both enjoyed.

It was a pleasant evening out in the city.

A bit of a rough day emotionally. Some small things came up between Attila and I this morning before he left for work which I need to think through, and work through my feelings. And the emotions involved with cleaning off Tank needed to be dealt with. It is tough work.

After hitting some snags while working on the website project, I have cleared a hurdle and can now proceed again. I really welcome this bit of work right now, it will help to keep me grounded, and prevent me from spinning off into my heartbreak.

Worldly Distractions

Weather

-7°C
Date: 12:00 PM EST Wednesday 17 January 2018
Condition: Light Snow
Pressure: 102.7 kPa
Tendency: Falling
Temperature: -7.3°C
Dew point: -9.3°C
Humidity: 86%
Wind: SW 13 km/h
Wind Chill: -13
Visibility: 2 km

Quote

“As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it.”
Mahatma Gandhi
1869 – 1948

21 Comments
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TopsyTurvy (Teri)

Well, ouch! Yes, I can definitely see where Attila not cleaning Tank off for you when it was a beloved standard would hurt. Not at all impressed with that. Just because you don’t want to be married to someone doesn’t mean you have a reason to stop being kind. It almost sounds like a purposeful vindictive move.

I can see where 20 minutes of throwung an imaginary ball would begin to wear on you. I think even 5 minutes of throwing an imaginary ball would begin to wear on me.

Had to smile at your meditation class. Not so sure I’d be comfortable with your classmates.

I find that classes around here geared to our ages tend to be during the day, and often early in the morning. I’m surprised you’re not finding the same thing.

WendyNC

Okay, going to keep from making any remarks about what I think since I’m not there and don’t really know. [grumble, grumble, grumble]

Anyway, it’s been snowing steadily here in the sunny South since shortly before dawn. The Shibas went out a little bit ago and tried to do some snow racing, but it ended up being more like really fast bunny hopping. Didn’t get a video because I was too busy watching and laughing at their antics.

Teri

You’ll stop eating together next week? Scheduling things, or maybe de-scheduling things, you do together seems unusual. Could it be that these changes are things that niggled at Attila for some time and now he’s breaking out of a pattern he feels he was forced into? (Possibly because he didn’t speak up before and say it didn’t work for him?)

Maybe I’m misreading things but it sounds like Attila hasn’t been voicing his preferences and everything is now coming to a head, where he’s going full force in the other direction and only wants to do what he wants to do.

Stubblejumpers Cafe

Yoga will strengthen you physically, mentally and emotionally, no matter what you are going through. Keep it up … especially, Maggie, if you can do some every day at home, not missing more than one day in a row; that is more effective than once or twice a week. I find hatha yoga a very centering practice and once you know which postures you want in your routine, classes elsewhere aren’t required (motivational and educational though they can be).

Hang in there; everything’s going to be fine. You’re too sensible for it not to be. Pain and fear and loss are all part of life, but regular meditation and yoga minimize their impact. You are doing all the right things.

-Kate

Sandy

Not cleaning off Tank does seem an act of rudeness. And his insistence to not eat together seems strange and also hurtful. Is the plan to continue to live there together for a while? If so, then perhaps stopping the things you do for him would be the route to go.

While it certainly sounds like a classic midlife crisis, I do wonder if there’s not something organically wrong with him. Was he ever successful with his art in the past? I’m wondering if it’s a delusion of sorts that he will have wild success at that and has to dramatically change his life to do that.

Ok sitting in a circle with strangers tossing around an imaginary ball is my definition of hell on earth. I would have run fleeing into the night. Aside from fun (?), what was the point?

I applaud that you’re going out to your own activities and meeting new people. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but I think this new phase of your life could be very exciting and productive.

WendyNC

It would have been a lot easier for him to decide to turn the shed he built into a studio and announce he needed to go do his art there whenever he needed to do it. For some reason, it annoys me when people who have artistic passions of whatever stripe are uncreative in their problem solving.

Sandy

I’m glad you had a chance to talk things out and there’s more clarity and understanding.

Wendy’s idea of turning the shed into an art studio is pure genius. Could he do that in the Spring? It would give him privacy for his art which is maybe what he wants deep down inside and could have without all the upheaval.

Lol I’m glad you laughed 🙂

TopsyTurvy (Teri)

I’m glad you talked some things out, every little bit helps. *hug*

Eileen

Glad to hear that you are getting out of the house and being around other people, Maggie. Tossing an imaginary ball around is weird. LOL I would have accidentally missed the ball and said that it rolled away…oh, well! 🙂 Hope that life is gentle with you and that every day brings a new pleasure to you.

Bex Crowell

So many comments, I can’t read them right now. But have to say the meditation class cracked me up, especially the farting gentleman. The older we/I get, the more farts sneak out unexpectedly, uncontrollable! I must be my father because he did it a lot, too. So embarrassing!

Are there any crocheting groups near you that you cold join in with? Just sitting there crocheting with others might be fun. oxo