Percy

I never met a Percy I didn’t like. It isn’t a common name, but I do meet men who answer to it from time to time. My most significant Percy is my Great Uncle, my Grandpa’s brother. I don’t think I ever heard him speak a whole sentence, and yet his presence was strong, and delightful. There was always a twinkle in his eye, as he greeted our visits to his farm, when I was a child. His wife, my Great Aunt Goldie, would always have a freshly baked batch of Chelsea Buns to offer us, when we visited. I have no great insights into the day to day challenges they faced in their lives, but I do know that I was always welcome there, I always felt as if I belonged. I never questioned that feeling of belonging back then, in my Mom’s family, it was like oxygen, it was just there. I didn’t work for it. I didn’t have to manufacture it. It existed naturally from the way people lived. I miss that in this big shiny ugly edifice of a world we live in, or maybe I just miss being a child in a world protected by my Mom.

A quiet day here. Talk continues, communication takes place, no further decisions or action are on the table, tension levels are low. The incredible cold has slunk off outside the windows, and the temperature has risen to -9, it has been snowing off and on since noon.

I slept soundly for six hours again last night, to my great relief, and also managed 25 minutes on the elliptical machine. Meals are regular, no indulgences indulged in, routines are forming, day by day. My crocheting continues to be a source of peace, I do enjoy it, and right now there is a gentleness in the repetitive nature of the stitches.

Worldly Distractions

Weather

-28°C
Date: 6:00 AM EST Sunday 7 January 2018
Condition:Clear
Pressure: 103.5 kPa
Tendency: Falling
Temperature: -28.3°C
Dew point: -31.5°C
Humidity: 75%
Wind: NNE 5 km/h
Wind Chill: -34
Visibility: 24 km

The temperature will increase by 22C over the course of less than eight hours.

Quote

“Holding forgiveness hostage to some act or condition was associated with psychological distress and depression.”
– in a study published by National Institute of Health in 2011

Blank

Fear affects a persons perceptions. That is one of my biggest challenges right now, fear control. Even small changes, small shifts, invite me to fall into a state of near panic… what does this or that mean, are things going to get a lot worse now, and how, what don’t I see coming, what shocking surprise is around the corner. I am controlling the fear, for the moment, with writing. I write down every outrageous thought that enters my head, be it founded or unfounded. This is helping considerably; and particularly when the unfounded fear turns out to actually be unfounded. I have quite a collection of recorded fears, and some of them have been crossed out, not all though, not all.

The cold is bitter today. If I sit near the exterior walls of the house I feel chilled. Tonight the low is predicted to fall to -27C, with a wind chill of -39. Indoors is the only reasonable place to be. When the world warms, the snow is supposed to arrive in force. Winter is making herself felt.

I slept for six solid hours last night, for the first time in weeks. When I got up in the morning and saw the time I felt like crying with gratitude. If I hadn’t looked at the clock I would not have known that I had slept that long, I was not refreshed, because these days I do not feel sleepy tired at any point in time, I feel weary to the bone all the time. Although I am not perceiving the benefit of six hours sleep, I am very sure it is helping me to work my way through my present life situation. My diet is good, I am eating regularly and well, I am keeping hydrated, exercise is not something I have a handle on yet though, I keep looking at the elliptical machine, but have only managed it once a few days ago… something to aim for.

I have been writing poems, or pieces of them. Lines come fast, heavy with feeling, and then suddenly they stop, midline, or mid stanza, or on the final line, and I, staring blankly at the page, have no thought in my head. That needed thought, word, concept, it just won’t come out to play. As much as I am thankful for the blank mind, really, couldn’t it wait until the poem was complete!

Worldly Distractions

Weather

EXTREME COLD WARNING IN EFFECT
-26°
Date: 6:00 AM EST Saturday 6 January 2018
Condition: Mainly Clear
Pressure: 102.3 kPa
Tendency: Rising
Temperature: -26.1°C
Dew point: -32.0°C
Humidity: 58%
Wind: WNW 22 gust 35 km/h
Wind Chill: -39
Visibility: 24 km

Quote

“Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness.”
Robertson Davies
1913-1995

The List

Another day has dawned.

I am sleeping four consecutive hours at night, and dozing off occasionally after that, until I get tired of thinking and hurting, so I get up. This morning I arose at 4:30 a.m., having been awake for quite some time. Sleep is the real challenge right now. The nausea has subsided, and I can eat small meals. I try to focus on eating vegetables, as it is all to easy to just eat bread and peanut butter, or cheese and crackers, which are acceptable, but certainly don’t represent a healthy diet. I keep a beverage beside me at all times, sipping frequently, as it would be very easy to become dehydrated right now, I cry so much. These are the basics I am attempting to establish right now.

Yesterday I was able to stabilize myself enough to spend 25 minutes on the elliptical machine, the first exercise I have had since December 29th, 2017. Hopefully I can get back into doing this regularly. I am starting to think again about food, planning meals for myself. I am very glad to have these kinds of thoughts coming into my head!

It is snowing heavily today, the cold snap has abated, for a few days, to return at the end of the week. With the warmer weather comes the white fluffy stuff from the sky. I anticipate shovelling snow this afternoon.

The day looms ahead of me. I am keeping a list of obvious things to do, because my emotional state is still all over the place, and I find myself in pain, and at a loss as to what to do next. Picking something from the list alleviates a lot of distress for me, allowing me not to think, and right now thinking is not always my friend. The list is a solid, reliable thing, that gives me logical choices. I write the list in my brief moments of clarity. Today might include picking up a prescription, and printing some required files, that sort of thing.

Vegetable soup was on my list, so that is how the morning will be spent. When making vegetable soup, I add the basic ingredients for the recipe, and then continue to add more vegetables until the soup pot is almost full. Then it simmers on the lowest temperature on the range, all day long. A batch of chocolate cherry muffins has been baked, and sits cooling on the kitchen counter. Now I have food to tempt me into eating, which right now, is a very good thing.………

I just looked a an old photograph, from the 30s or 40s, in Ontario, Canada, of a woman in a flowered dress, her hair caught up in a bun, standing on the weathered boards of a covered porch, hanging laundry out to dry on a line to the porch. This photograph, particularly the weathered boards of the deck of the porch, elicited in me a deep feeling of contentment, of rightness in the world, of love for the simple functional elements of daily life in times gone by. My Granny and Grandpa’s front porch had similar decking, and oh what heaven it would be, to sit on a worn wooden chair there again with Granny sitting beside me, shelling garden peas.

Worldly Distractions

Weather

-6°C
Date: 7:00 AM EST Wednesday 3 January 2018
Condition: Light Snow
Pressure: 102.0 kPa
Tendency: Falling
Temperature: -6.2°C
Dew point: -9.2°C
Humidity: 79%
Wind: SW 34 gust 54 km/h
Wind Chill: -15
Visibility: 5 km

Quote

“The skill of writing is to create a context in which other people can think.”
Edwin Schlossberg

I like this quote, not so much in the medium of my own writing, but more in my pleasure in reading the writing of others.

Recovery

When Attila arrived home from work on Monday morning, he looked dreadful. Off he went to bed. That was when he admitted to me that he had slept but one hour, since Sunday morning. After sleeping for six hours, up he got, unable to sleep any longer. Today, Tuesday, his sleeping pattern is beginning to settle. He arrived home from work just after dawn this morning, and immediately went to bed and slept for seven hours. Then he was up, and full of energy, unpacking and organizing. He was tired again by 6:00 p.m., so back to bed he went, and slept for another few hours. It will take the whole week I think, for him to catch up with his sleep; he is off to a good start.

Yesterday, Monday, I was completely worn out by early evening. I just stopped, unable to keep going. I too will need time to recover from the big push.

This morning I made a list of things to do. That is when I learned that I had a lot to learn about Attila working nights. He was sleeping in the bedroom. The things I needed to complete some of the items on my list were… in the bedroom where Attila was sleeping. I focused on the projects that did not involve items from behind that closed door to the bedroom. I baked a rhubarb crisp, did the dishes, and paid the bills. Luckily Attila got up briefly, shortly after I completed the doable items on the list, so I quickly gathered the other items I needed, and moved them out of the bedroom, before Attila went back to sleep.

The mail forwarding was finally arranged. Attila missed getting to the Post Office last Saturday, it closed before he reached the village to pick up our things at the storage locker. The employee at the Post Office here, who helped me arrange mail forwarding, advised me to throw away the keys to our former country PO Box. That didn’t seem considerate, so a call was made to the country Post Office, and the Post Master there suggested the keys be sent in the mail to her, and so they were.

The final push of the move resulted in another two big garbage bags full of serviceable items to be donated to the women’s shelter in town. I drove those over this morning, and dropped them off at the shelter. I wish I had more to give them! If I ever win a lottery, I will setup a fund to assist women and their children, to setup a new home with the basic necessities of life. I do not buy lottery tickets though, so that is an empty ambition. If only the thought counted for something tangible!

Two boxes were emptied today. It is getting more difficult, as we have more possessions than will fit into this house. The merging is almost complete, and the serious purging will need to begin.

We are still placing a huge pile of recyclable material for pickup at the curb every week. We also have two pieces of furniture we are trying to give away, with no luck so far. The women’s shelter has no room for it, the men’s shelter has not returned my call, and my ad on FreeCycle has garnered no response thus far. Right now those items are under a tarp in the driveway, as they simply will not fit into the house. Yesterday we gave away a mattress to one of our neighbours, and a solid wood coffee table to another neighbour.

I think that soon our efforts will bring noticeable results, soon, but not for a few days yet.

The raisin scones I made last week, the first baking project after the move.
IMG 0001

Worldly Distractions

Weather

15°C
Date: 7:00 PM EDT Tuesday 6 October 2015
Condition: Mostly Cloudy
Pressure: 101.7 kPa
Tendency: falling
Visibility: 24 km
Temperature: 14.5°C
Dewpoint: 11.7°C
Humidity: 83%
Wind: SW 11 km/h

Quote

“By perseverance the snail reached the ark.”
Charles Haddon Spurgeon
1834 – 1892