The List

Another day has dawned.

I am sleeping four consecutive hours at night, and dozing off occasionally after that, until I get tired of thinking and hurting, so I get up. This morning I arose at 4:30 a.m., having been awake for quite some time. Sleep is the real challenge right now. The nausea has subsided, and I can eat small meals. I try to focus on eating vegetables, as it is all to easy to just eat bread and peanut butter, or cheese and crackers, which are acceptable, but certainly don’t represent a healthy diet. I keep a beverage beside me at all times, sipping frequently, as it would be very easy to become dehydrated right now, I cry so much. These are the basics I am attempting to establish right now.

Yesterday I was able to stabilize myself enough to spend 25 minutes on the elliptical machine, the first exercise I have had since December 29th, 2017. Hopefully I can get back into doing this regularly. I am starting to think again about food, planning meals for myself. I am very glad to have these kinds of thoughts coming into my head!

It is snowing heavily today, the cold snap has abated, for a few days, to return at the end of the week. With the warmer weather comes the white fluffy stuff from the sky. I anticipate shovelling snow this afternoon.

The day looms ahead of me. I am keeping a list of obvious things to do, because my emotional state is still all over the place, and I find myself in pain, and at a loss as to what to do next. Picking something from the list alleviates a lot of distress for me, allowing me not to think, and right now thinking is not always my friend. The list is a solid, reliable thing, that gives me logical choices. I write the list in my brief moments of clarity. Today might include picking up a prescription, and printing some required files, that sort of thing.

Vegetable soup was on my list, so that is how the morning will be spent. When making vegetable soup, I add the basic ingredients for the recipe, and then continue to add more vegetables until the soup pot is almost full. Then it simmers on the lowest temperature on the range, all day long. A batch of chocolate cherry muffins has been baked, and sits cooling on the kitchen counter. Now I have food to tempt me into eating, which right now, is a very good thing.………

I just looked a an old photograph, from the 30s or 40s, in Ontario, Canada, of a woman in a flowered dress, her hair caught up in a bun, standing on the weathered boards of a covered porch, hanging laundry out to dry on a line to the porch. This photograph, particularly the weathered boards of the deck of the porch, elicited in me a deep feeling of contentment, of rightness in the world, of love for the simple functional elements of daily life in times gone by. My Granny and Grandpa’s front porch had similar decking, and oh what heaven it would be, to sit on a worn wooden chair there again with Granny sitting beside me, shelling garden peas.

Worldly Distractions

Weather

-6°C
Date: 7:00 AM EST Wednesday 3 January 2018
Condition: Light Snow
Pressure: 102.0 kPa
Tendency: Falling
Temperature: -6.2°C
Dew point: -9.2°C
Humidity: 79%
Wind: SW 34 gust 54 km/h
Wind Chill: -15
Visibility: 5 km

Quote

“The skill of writing is to create a context in which other people can think.”
Edwin Schlossberg

I like this quote, not so much in the medium of my own writing, but more in my pleasure in reading the writing of others.

8 Comments

  1. Eileen

    Sending lots of hugs. Glad you are beginning to be able to eat and get involved in some distractions. Exercise will definitely help improve your mood at least for a little while and may also help you to sleep longer. One day at a time. Just remember you have lots of love and support with your family and friends and all of us. 🙂

  2. I don’t remember shelling peas, but I do remember snapping green beans into pieces into a metal colander on the big covered front porch where I grew up. Also, shucking corn-on-cob… Memories are so good to have. I feel for the people have lost or are losing theirs… my hubs included. I remind him daily of things and he has forgotten so much. (((Hugs)))

  3. Teri

    I suspect your mind is supplying activities because your heart currently has no motivation. That’s probably a good thing. At a different time of year I’d suggest sitting outside but of course that’s impossible right now.

    Vegetable soup sounds good, especially with it being so cold, just make sure you get in your proteins and some fats, too.

  4. Teri, it would be lovely to sit outside, in the sunshine, listen to birds, hear some leaves rustling… a matter of time. ((Hug))

    Your are right, proteins and fats are very important. My soup has ground beef in it, and the tomatoes and corn are also a complete protein, with avocado oil to make the soup robust.

  5. Thanks Joan! Last night I slept for 5 hours, which may be as good as it gets for a while. The distractions really help with pain management, and they give my inner self a chance to rest and regroup before returning to processing what is happening. (((Hugs)))

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