Another Day, Another Stitch

I can see how adjusting to living with a man who was my spouse, who I wanted to be my spouse, but now is only a man I am living with, is going to take some time.

Painful encounters today:

Sending New Year’s Greetings from only me, many tears.

Filling in a form with a line for Spouse, more tears. I put Attila down as contact anyway, but have to think Pseudo-Spouse in my head to get through it, and keep repeating it to myself every time the emotions well up.

That is enough for one day! This is very hard. I trust the universe, that this will get easier.

Not everyone in my world is able to offer me support, some relationships are too troubled for that. This is another sadness, which has come up during this crisis.

Attila and I continue to talk, which has been very positive. We are not talking about getting back together as a couple, an us, that is off the table, we talk about going forward with this new reality, which is hard, hard, hard, so that the positive tone of our conversations is a blessing, even though what we talk about isn’t so wonderful.

I cry when I read the good wishes sent to me, so very loving and thoughtful and helpful… each one touches my heart, and gives me strength. It is so different, to cry from a loving word, compared to crying in despair. Your words are such an integral part of my stitch by stitch, and I thank you.

Worldly Distractions

Weather

EXTREME COLD WARNING IN EFFECT
-18°C
Date: 1:00 PM EST Monday 1 January 2018
Condition: Light Snow
Pressure: 102.8 kPa
Tendency: Falling
Temperature: -18.0°C
Dew point: -21.9°C
Humidity: 72%
Wind: E 16 km/h
Wind Chill: -27
Visibility: 2 km

Quote

“It really doesn’t matter if the person who hurt you deserves to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You have things to do and you want to move on.”
Gordon Atkinson

10 Comments

  1. Teri

    Attila is still your spouse, no matter what he thinks. The law has other ideas and, especially when it comes to forms, the law rules. You can’t even say you are separated, as while there are provisions for separation while in the same household you have to at least be in separate bedrooms. So until things change, they don’t change at all – no matter what that man’s head might think it’s telling him.

    I wish I could speed up time for you so all the changes would be made, all the questions would be answered and all the time waiting would be over.

  2. You are exactly correct Teri. The change is in the emotions connected with using the word spouse, it used to mean something completely different to me, and I mourn that with all my heart.

    Thank you, about speeding up the time, wouldn’t that be great if we could actually do that!

  3. Have you been keeping busy with your crocheting at all? It is meditative, I find, and when things are bothering me, I just get out the yarn and hook and can withdraw into the repetitive motions of putting hook into yarn loops over and over and over again. It soothes me sometimes, the “ohm…chante ohm”-ness of it all. I pray that you achieve peace.

  4. Bex, I have been relying heavily on my crocheting, working on the second blanket, and you are right, the repetitive motions are soothing. Peace will come Bex, of that I am sure, but it will be some time coming. Every day is better than the last.

  5. It will get better. It will. It will be a roller coaster for a long time. You will feel like you are drowning and cry so hard that you think you have no more tears. Then you will feel like you can do this and feel strong and empowered. Then you will feel like you are drowning again. It’s a process. Eventually, the time between the drowning will get longer and longer.
    Until then, sleep, take hot baths and do some great self care. Do what you would do for your best friend.

  6. WendyNC

    Maggie, it strikes me that Attila started with a conclusion and is now getting around to the information sharing and gathering process which is best conducted beforehand.

    I’m thinking that if he had started with something along the lines of, “I am not getting what I want out of life and we need to do some serious talking before I do something radical that we’ll both regret,” you’d still be damned unhappy right and having the same difficult conversations you’ve been having, but the goal could be finding something that works for both of you without having unhappy labels hanging around from the get-go.

    Attila did, indeed, make a terrible, terrible mistake, as he surmised after his initial announcement. I think the mistake was putting the cart before the horse.

    I understand it may be the case that you have learned enough since his initial outburst that you agree with his conclusion. However, if you haven’t, I hope you won’t necessarily accept that there can only be one conclusion just because only one has been announced. This is a relationship–it only becomes an all or nothing proposition when one of you leaves this world.

    I’m sorry I’m sermonizing. Like Attila, I don’t always express my concern so well. As an alternative to all this, you could just tell him, “Wendy says put on your big boy panties, negotiate in good faith, and quit jumping to conclusions.

  7. Birdie, although I know what you are saying, it feels so good to hear it, to be reminded of it, to have it affirmed so positively. Drowning is a very good word for the feeling.

    Such good advice about taking care of myself!

  8. “putting the cart before the horse.”

    Wendy you have hit the nail on the head. We can’t go back, but there might be a way forward, and that will involve Attila working this out, and me waiting to see how things progress. This jumping to conclusions is a part of the issue. The other issues need time and personal space to sort out, so in the meantime, as long as our positive interactions continue, I am going to proceed with creating a “life” of my own, just in case the sorting out doesn’t work out. Your comments are welcome Wendy, very insightful.

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