Another Day, Another Stitch

I can see how adjusting to living with a man who was my spouse, who I wanted to be my spouse, but now is only a man I am living with, is going to take some time.

Painful encounters today:

Sending New Year’s Greetings from only me, many tears.

Filling in a form with a line for Spouse, more tears. I put Attila down as contact anyway, but have to think Pseudo-Spouse in my head to get through it, and keep repeating it to myself every time the emotions well up.

That is enough for one day! This is very hard. I trust the universe, that this will get easier.

Not everyone in my world is able to offer me support, some relationships are too troubled for that. This is another sadness, which has come up during this crisis.

Attila and I continue to talk, which has been very positive. We are not talking about getting back together as a couple, an us, that is off the table, we talk about going forward with this new reality, which is hard, hard, hard, so that the positive tone of our conversations is a blessing, even though what we talk about isn’t so wonderful.

I cry when I read the good wishes sent to me, so very loving and thoughtful and helpful… each one touches my heart, and gives me strength. It is so different, to cry from a loving word, compared to crying in despair. Your words are such an integral part of my stitch by stitch, and I thank you.

Worldly Distractions

Weather

EXTREME COLD WARNING IN EFFECT
-18°C
Date: 1:00 PM EST Monday 1 January 2018
Condition: Light Snow
Pressure: 102.8 kPa
Tendency: Falling
Temperature: -18.0°C
Dew point: -21.9°C
Humidity: 72%
Wind: E 16 km/h
Wind Chill: -27
Visibility: 2 km

Quote

“It really doesn’t matter if the person who hurt you deserves to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You have things to do and you want to move on.”
Gordon Atkinson

Forms!

Attila and I had a busy day. This time, it wasn’t about unpacking boxes, it was about filling in forms and applications, exploring possibilities, trying to peek over walls of bureaucracy.

We applied for prescription drug coverage, which we no longer have. We applied for a local family doctor, and are now on a very long waiting list. I sought assistance in getting a flu shot this year, things don’t look hopeful on that score. This kind of stuff has to be done, and we are always glad when it is done. I always feel out of sorts after wrestling with the machine of modern bureaucracy.

The weather was beautiful today. We were out and about together this morning, dropping more items off at the women’s shelter, buying milk, mailing forms. The sun shone, the breeze was warm and gentle, and the morning passed pleasantly. Attila left for work right after lunch, so I spent the rest of the day working on administrative things related to health care.

I just realized tonight that when Attila is working the afternoon shift, the feelings I had about living here alone last winter are affecting how I feel now. The evenings were the hardest, when we were living apart, and now the evenings without Attila are triggering some unwelcome feelings. Right now, when this dampened feeling comes over me, I think about Attila coming home in a few short hours, and the sun comes out from behind the clouds. Eventually my unconscious mind will figure out that Attila is coming home every night.

My book needed more edits than I had anticipated, so the second draft will be my copy of the book, as it is not suitable for Archives Canada, or for sale. There were a few things that I did not catch when I edited the book, things that were actual errors. However, some of the errors were the work of the autofill devil, like the word hand instead of and, things that the spell checker would not catch. And then, after reading the actual paper copy, I decided to add a section, a transcription of my GGG Grandfather’s letter home to Scotland, after the families first year in the wilderness.

There is something about a real paper book that is so much easier to interact with than a digital screen. Perhaps that is because I grew up with paper books, and so prefer them.

Worldly Distractions

Weather

12°C
Date: 8:00 PM EDT Monday 19 October 2015
Condition: Mostly Cloudy
Pressure: 101.7 kPa
Tendency: falling
Visibility: 24 km
Temperature: 11.6°C
Dewpoint: 4.6°C
Humidity: 62%
Wind: SSW 36 gust 54 km/h

Quote

“I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.”
A.A. Milne
Winnie-the-Pooh