They do say “two steps forward, one step back”, and that seems about right.
Yesterday, Sunday, I attended another group in the city that piqued my interest. It did not work out well, and the result is that I have lost most of the internal grounding I accomplished with the women’s group, but not all. The group I attended, although it advertised to accept all sorts, in reality had some pressures that I am not able to cope with at this point in my grieving process. The people were lovely, all of them, but the dynamic of the group brought unwanted emotions to the fore, and my emotions are too intense, powerful, and painful right now to cope with in a room full of strangers. I cried, and that felt so very discouraging and humiliating. I will try again in the spring I think, or whenever I have worked though my present crisis, to a point where I have a firmer sense of my new self, to the point where I can handle the group pressures. It was too soon for this particular group.
I am feeling my loss afresh, last night and today. Part of the process I think, and I have to go through it. Every step is important, whether it feels good or not.
Today I am back on the internet, searching for more activities and groups.
I am working on my genealogy book today, a software update became available, making creating the book a lot easier. Also, on the roster for today, I am spending a lot of time working on the website update, which is really a complete redesign. The crochet blanket is coming along slowly, and is a comfort to me, knowing the project is always there at my side, the familiar stitch allowing me to work with my hands without any mental effort.
The weekend was quiet, without much discussion, the holding pattern is taking hold I suspect. Attila and I shopped for groceries, ate some meals together, watched a bit of Netflix together, and had little contact other than that. A friendly manner prevailed. Attila did manage to get some old speakers, that I had been using with the previous iMac, working with his iPad, allowing him a much better listening experience than the speaker on the iPad. The speakers had been sitting in the living room, no longer needed and unused, so that I am very glad they are now in use, and out of the living room. A step forward in the creation of his studio.
So another week begins, who knows what it will hold for me.
Today I am staying at home, there are freezing rain warnings for today and tonight, and it is not a good time to be out and about. I slept for four hours last night, from 10 p.m. until 2:13 a.m., then the pain woke me up and got me out of bed. I lay down again in the morning, after Attila left for work, and slept for an hour and a bit. I will continue with this pattern for the foreseeable future, getting as much sleep as I can at night, then taking an extended nap in the mornings whenever possible. I hope, in this way, to avoid taking medications. I have stopped taking melatonin, as it makes no difference at all. Eventually I hope the present pattern morphs into a good night’s sleep, so that I can omit the morning nap. It is a plan, and like all of my plans, it may or may not work, but needs to be given a chance.
FREEZING RAIN WARNING IN EFFECT
Date: 10:00 AM EST Monday 22 January 2018
Pressure: 102.3 kPa
Dew point: -5.8°C
Wind: NE 26 km/h
Wind Chill: -10
Visibility: 19 km
“That’s the key to having it all: stop expecting it to look like what you thought it was going to look like.”