They do say “two steps forward, one step back”, and that seems about right.
Yesterday, Sunday, I attended another group in the city that piqued my interest. It did not work out well, and the result is that I have lost most of the internal grounding I accomplished with the women’s group, but not all. The group I attended, although it advertised to accept all sorts, in reality had some pressures that I am not able to cope with at this point in my grieving process. The people were lovely, all of them, but the dynamic of the group brought unwanted emotions to the fore, and my emotions are too intense, powerful, and painful right now to cope with in a room full of strangers. I cried, and that felt so very discouraging and humiliating. I will try again in the spring I think, or whenever I have worked though my present crisis, to a point where I have a firmer sense of my new self, to the point where I can handle the group pressures. It was too soon for this particular group.
I am feeling my loss afresh, last night and today. Part of the process I think, and I have to go through it. Every step is important, whether it feels good or not.
Today I am back on the internet, searching for more activities and groups.
I am working on my genealogy book today, a software update became available, making creating the book a lot easier. Also, on the roster for today, I am spending a lot of time working on the website update, which is really a complete redesign. The crochet blanket is coming along slowly, and is a comfort to me, knowing the project is always there at my side, the familiar stitch allowing me to work with my hands without any mental effort.
The weekend was quiet, without much discussion, the holding pattern is taking hold I suspect. Attila and I shopped for groceries, ate some meals together, watched a bit of Netflix together, and had little contact other than that. A friendly manner prevailed. Attila did manage to get some old speakers, that I had been using with the previous iMac, working with his iPad, allowing him a much better listening experience than the speaker on the iPad. The speakers had been sitting in the living room, no longer needed and unused, so that I am very glad they are now in use, and out of the living room. A step forward in the creation of his studio.
So another week begins, who knows what it will hold for me.
Today I am staying at home, there are freezing rain warnings for today and tonight, and it is not a good time to be out and about. I slept for four hours last night, from 10 p.m. until 2:13 a.m., then the pain woke me up and got me out of bed. I lay down again in the morning, after Attila left for work, and slept for an hour and a bit. I will continue with this pattern for the foreseeable future, getting as much sleep as I can at night, then taking an extended nap in the mornings whenever possible. I hope, in this way, to avoid taking medications. I have stopped taking melatonin, as it makes no difference at all. Eventually I hope the present pattern morphs into a good night’s sleep, so that I can omit the morning nap. It is a plan, and like all of my plans, it may or may not work, but needs to be given a chance.
FREEZING RAIN WARNING IN EFFECT
Date: 10:00 AM EST Monday 22 January 2018
Pressure: 102.3 kPa
Dew point: -5.8°C
Wind: NE 26 km/h
Wind Chill: -10
Visibility: 19 km
“That’s the key to having it all: stop expecting it to look like what you thought it was going to look like.”
You are wise to listen to your deepest feelings about welcoming other people into your healing process. Sometimes, it just doesn’t feel right! Good for you for moving on…
Diane, thank you for your affirming words. As Pete Seeger said in his own words, “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.”
A notification from you in my inbox is always so welcome! Even moreso now that I’m anxious to know how you are EVERY DAY.
I too would be chagrined if I wept in front of a group of strangers. It’s hard enough in the presence of friends and family! Though I bet it did you some good, as well, somehow.
I’ve just embarked upon my fifth day alone in the house and am much more content than I expected to be, over this longer period of time than I’m accustomed to being by myself here on the farm. I don’t miss my spouse one bit, which only makes sense — even when he’s home every night I spend most of my time alone, so this isn’t much different than “the usual.” It’s no wonder I’m content with my own company; I’m used to it. I’m starting to question whether I’ll be glad to see him come home!
Thank you Kate for such sweet words! I feel a little funny about people having to slog through this unwelcome and painful process I’ve been forced to undertake. Thank you for giving me the feedback on how it seems from your perspective.
Chagrin is a good word for how I felt, and I will say that people were, without exception, kind and accepting, which was a good experience to have, as difficult as it was.
Every weekeday I still wait for the noise and bit of bustle when Attila enters and is in the house, and would miss that terribly were it to cease. I did get used to being alone when I lived here at Mist Cottage by myself during a winter some years ago, but I didn’t like it one bit. I envy your independent spirit!!!!
I thought that his presence each evening was what made my alone time — so much of it — easy. Now I’m not so sure he gets the credit!
Kate, how wonderful is that!!!
Maggie, my heart hurts for you as you go through this process of uncharted waters. As painful as this slow pace is, I’m glad neither of you is taking radical action at this point.
Wendy, thank you for your compassion, and for sharing it with me. Radical action, which I have had to deal with in other situations, is something that does not tend to yield good results, unless it is the only viable option. The slow pace will allow me to see things more clearly, as the murk settles and the waters clear, so that eventually I will be able to make informed choices, based on emotions, and relatively accurate information.
I’m sorry the one group didn’t work out. It’s so wise to know that, though. I keep on praying for you. *hugs*
Thank you for your prayers Joan! I have some new group activities that I am going to try out over the next week or so, one foot in front of the other, I keep moving. ((hugs))