Every once and a while I look at my personal horoscope. I don’t think this is particularly predictive of anything. I do think it alerts me to the kinds of energy that influence my corporeal placement in the universe, energies that will influence my context, and my person. I have found, over the last thirty years, that in my case, the transits of the planets do offer insights into the energies I deal with in my life.
I am in for a challenging year. Huge changes will be required of me, some people will cause me serious grief, I don’t know who, there won’t be much fun to be had over the next twelve months. That is what the planets are saying, as some serious, once in a lifetime transits move across my chart. The circling planets are playing out in real life, as my marriage has suddenly ended, and I must learn to move forward in time by myself, face my challenges alone. Real life is reflecting the intense personal celestial configuration.
Life is very heavy.
I am glad I didn’t know this was coming, at least I had a time of peace and safety in my life, relatively free from fear, living for 25 years with someone who liked and loved me.
The weekend was intense, with many issues being addressed, some not to be visited again, others will present ongoing challenges. It was exhausting for both of us. There is no immediate plan for Attila to move out, which has its pros and cons. At this point I see it as mostly pros, and Attila probably does too, because he is still here. The real con for me, is that living in the same place makes it harder to keep my hope, and my fear, from making false interpretations. I am learning a great deal about both hope and fear.
Another cold morning. There are a few distant clouds in the sky as the dawn creeps along the horizon.
The day stretches in front of me. I will work on a web site I am updating. I will work crocheting my blanket. I will go to the bank to get some loonies, because parking in the city where I go to the walk-in clinic, and to my specialists appointments, requires me to pay for parking, in the meters. That is as far as I can think for today.
I am not noticing the extent of my mental confusion, until I undertake to deal with things in the house that were once thought of as “ours”, and now have an ambiguous status. In dealing with these items I find that after experiencing sharp pain, a brief and almost unbearable grief, I have trouble thinking about how I should, or want to, proceed. I have to abandon what I am doing, regain my composure, then return to it when I am feeling calmer. It feels like these tasks take forever, although in reality they do not. Emotions strongly influence my sense of time.
I have been disassembled, and the parts aren’t fitting back into the places they fell out of.
I have appointments for the needed X-Ray and CT scan, coming up in February. These are relatively unintrusive procedures, so other than the parking, there is little stress involved. It seems a positive thing to have something concrete written on the calendar, to have known events in the uncertain future.
Date4:00 AM EST Monday 15 January 2018
Condition: Not observed
Pressure: 104.2 kPa
Dew point: -21.7°C
Wind: NE 19 km/h
Wind Chill: -29
“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don’t give up.”
Your comments nudged me to look at my horoscope. I don’t really think the planets control my life and yet I find it interesting. My horoscope was positive, saying I would face challenges but there would always be a planet there to help me face them. I would be forced to stretch and grow but not alone. That sounds like a more positive spin of your horoscope, Maggie. You will be forced to grow, but always remember while you may not do it with Attila you will not do it alone.
It seems to me that items that have ambiguous status are items that you and Attila will need to discuss and assign ownership. Once that is done perhaps you can agree that at this time the non-owner can borrow the use of the item at this time of change.
I noticed an oddity with your journal, today. This entry is not connected to the previous entry. Usually there is a link from the recent page to the present page and one back again from present to recent. This hasn’t happened this time. I’m not suremifmthe lack of link will cause a problem with your announcement emails or not, but you might look into the possibility.
Blessings, Maggie. You are staying strong. One day at a time…
Teri, horoscopes are interesting, there is always something positive to hang on to while facing challenges. Your assurances that I am not alone are heartwarming.
The ambiguous things are so very hard, because I have to erase the us from them, and reassign them to him or me. It is a painful process, but luckily there is no conflict about it, other than the emotional tearing up of what used to be.
Thanks for the tip about the link to the last and next entry. The software has relocated it at the bottom of the entry, must have happened during a recent update. I will look into whether I can put it back where it was.
Thanks Diane, each day is better in some way other, however tiny the improvement.
Continuing to live together certainly does muddy the waters — you are so right about that. One the one hand it slows the transition, making for less shock and fear. (If I know what I’m talking about. For you, of course I can’t be sure. I’m speaking from my own experience I guess.) On the other it drags out the pain in a way. Between a rock and a hard place, isn’t it! No matter what you do, it’s a huge and unwelcome change. I’m glad you and A are doing it with kindness and care; that’s a most important thing no matter what. Sometimes impossible, if the divorce history of the world has anything to say about it. -Kate
Kate, you are right, the living togeher does absorb some of the shock and fear, and it drags the pain out. Less pain over a longer time period, with a bit more confusion, because what if something new develops… which of course I hope it does, but Attila does warns against that hope, which speaks volumes, and I hear it.
There is no right answer, no way around this, only through it, somehow. The kindness and care are there, very hard sometimes, extremely confusing. I know some people get through these things and can still be “friends” to some degree, that would be nice. Depending on how Attila proceeds, it may or may not be possible.
Ugh. So much pain.
You’re in shock and, in my experience, shock is a mixed blessing. It is the mechanism which protects us from being completely overwhelmed by abrupt and painful changes, but it also cuts off our access to much of our auto-pilot functions. Just keep being very careful, especially when driving or using sharp objects or tools.
Wendy, yes, so much pain.
I had to drive to the city for the shoes, but will only need to drive very short distances in non-city traffic for the next while, and I am glad. I am very careful while driving in Tank, as I know that an incident would be so horrific to deal with just now. Luckily right now the sharpest objects I need to use are the fork and table knife to eat my chicken breast.
This is the greatest trauma with change that I have ever experienced.
Oh Maggie, so much pain, confusion, heartbreak and stress in your life. I admire your fortitude in staying under the same roof. I don’t mean to trivialize your situation but an analogy just popped into my head, It’s as if a very complicated but beautifully completed jigsaw puzzle has been thrown in the air and the thousand pieces have fallen down in a heap. You are just picking a piece or two at a time and trying to form a new picture out of it.
Sandra, what a lovely analogy, it captures what is going on, it was a beautifully completed jigsaw puzzle, the pieces are in a heap. It reminds me how a puzzle goes together, trial and error, matching by image, by colour, by shape by size… whatever works… and slowly the picture takes shape. The new picture is unknown, there is no guide to inform how the colours, shapes and sizes go together… but it can be done.
Your purchase of good-quality new shoes speaks volumes to me, symbolically. You are preparing to start on a new path and you are being ever-practical. -Kate