It is an odd period of time. When I am busy with something, I forget that Attila wanted to move out, and everything seems as it was, for a brief period of time. Then suddenly it doesn’t seem the same at all, something feels wrong, and I feel awful. Back and forth and back and forth. Of course, when I think about it, rather than feel, I know that things have altered, but that it might be for the better in the long-term, and of course it might not be for the better in the long-term, but so far I am feeling hopeful about a positive outcome.
Today I am scrubbing down the kitchen floor, getting it ready for the polish. I found a product, GEM, from a janitorial supply place, in the town where Attila works. He is picking up a jug of it after work today. I am scrubbing with Pine Sol, and the house has a distinct institutional smell, not unpleasant, not homey or cozy.
I am also writing my feelings in a private journal space, not online, where I can write anything that comes into my head. This helps me to express the hurt and anger, which are intense, but not fully realized right now.
I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone.
When I divorced my first husband I was left alone with two children to raise. I was a very busy woman, as I was working on my PhD at the time. My kids and career kept me engaged most of the time, with not a lot of time for processing my feelings. It was a time of great optimism as well though, I was leaving a toxic relationship, and realistically expected to have a very good career. I was much younger and had much more of my life to look forward to, and my youthful health to buoy me up with confidence that I could become self-sufficient. I remember feeling the loss though, the feeling of being completely alone in the world with all that responsibility, it was a deep and gnawing feeling that I soldiered through.
This situation with Attila has been very different, it has been much, much more difficult. The relationship is not toxic. I was losing my best friend, my home, all the things I thought would be familiar as I grew older. My world was literally exploding out from under me. It would have been easier if Attila had died, rather than him deciding not to spend his life with me. I would have had the continued memory of a loving friend if he had died, you don’t get that when your spouse decides to move out and leave you.
So there is a new fear in my life, one that I feel deeply. I can only hope that it fades with time. In the meantime I must prevent that fear from heading underground, keep it in sight, check on it from time to time, it could fester otherwise.
As for Attila and I, we interact as always most of the time, and then that falls away and the terrible, terrible mistake sits in the room with us and won’t be ignored. Sometimes it is me that it sits with first, sometimes it is Attila. Regardless, when it takes a seat it has our attention. I am hoping that too will fade away with time.
I have also been feeling blessed. My loved ones and friends have gathered around me in a circle of caring that touches me to the core of my being. It sustained me through the first two terrible days, and the warmth continues as a cocoon of safety. It is a wonderful feeling. Thank you, thank you, all. Love is no small thing.
Date: 1:00 PM EST Wednesday 29 November 2017
Condition: Partly Cloudy
Pressure: 102.4 kPa
Dew point: -2.0°C
Wind: NNW 16 gust 29 km/h
Visibility: 24 km
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”