I am stuck today. I am stuck nursing my broken heart. I would love to just not feel this, but if I numb myself to this pain it will submerge itself into a dark corner of my soul and reside there in perpetuity. So here I am crying over my losses again. This grieving is so circular. This broken heart of mine feels different to me though, every time I return to nurse it through another bout of emotions, just a tiny bit less intense each time, just a little less frightening.
Today I just could not face heading out to a Tai Chi class, not feeling like this. So I am here at home, doing a bit of work on the computer, listening to some fingering guitar music on youtube, contemplating solitude, the past, the future, the present.
I have been back to spending time daily on my elliptical machine. I continue to eat well, stay hydrated, and I even slept for almost six hours last night. I allow myself periods of numbness, so that I can gather strength to face walking this path alone, and to keep moving my feet, step by step, into the future.
My family is not a close one, neither my birth family nor my children and their families. They do check in with me by telephone and messaging from time to time to see how I am doing. There is little to no visiting, unless I do the travelling, with rare exceptions, usually only a few times a year. I do not have friends here, where I live at Mist Cottage. My time is spent either with Attila, in this broken world at home, alone, or with strangers.
When I think about what I want, two words come to mind, continuity and companionship. These are not in the cards at the moment. I’ll be out there in the world of strangers again soon, attempting to open up a conduit to the good energy that exists in the world.
At present I am finding it hard to focus on my interests, my attention span has been affected by my grief. I am still able to function, the web site design was initiated and completed after my marriage ended, so my brain is still working. My emotions are intense, few of them are pleasant. There is no place for my soul to rest right now, my world is broken. My soul is a weary traveller.
Date: 10:00 AM EST Tuesday 20 February 2018
Condition: Light Rain
Pressure: 101.9 kPa
Dew point: 5.8°C
Wind: SSW 12 km/h
Visibility: 1 km
“When griping grief the heart doth wound,
and doleful dumps the mind oppresses,
then music, with her silver sound,
with speedy help doth lend redress.”
1564 – 1616