I have been experiencing a whole range of emotions for the last month or so, none of them pleasant. I have wondered why I wasn’t feeling angry. That question has not been answered, and may not be, as it has now lost its relevance. Oh my! This morning I am not feeling anger, that would be too mild a descriptor for this red hot burning emotion that is now front and center. I think rage would be a more appropriate word to use, red hot, yet controlled, rage.
The thing about rage, at least my rage, is that it burns very bright, and what it burns are the ragged edges of the pain that has ripped my life apart, leaving the core of it open and vulnerable. Such pain! And such rage!
I won’t be sharing any of this rage with Attila. This is my rage, my tool to move forward. I own it, and I want it in my life. I know exactly where the rage comes from, what (and who) has caused it, why it is legitimate, why it is healthy, why it is crucial.
I have been here before, with lesser bouts of rage. This particular rage is about trust, and breach of trust. It is about betrayal. It is also about cowardice and self-interest in people I have trusted, weakness of character, the unwillingness to own that weakness, to feel humility when that weakness has negatively impacted another human being, and the unwillingness to grow through the experience.
This is a rage that does not need, nor does it seek, revenge, justice, or any kind of redress. It is a rage that rails against the vagaries of fate, of human character, of living in a world where injustices abound, for all of us.
Of course, it is Attila that has brought this rage to my door, his choices are the focus of my rage.
It serves no purpose in my life to let this rage randomly lash out, to rampage through the slender threads of the new life I am weaving for myself. That would be self-destructive. Perhaps, at some future date, I will feel it appropriate to share these feelings with Attila, perhaps. Perhaps not.
Attila has stuck around to witness the devastation he has created. In part, he is owning his choices, and the impact they have on another human being, me, and the other people in our lives who have come to love and trust him.
Right now I will be moving slowly forward, experiencing this rage as fully as I am able. The new tools that this rage will provide for me will help me build the new life, that I am being forced to create.
Clunkity, clunkity, clunk goes my life.
Worldly Distractions
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Quote
“The price of greatness is responsibility.”
Sir Winston Churchill
1874 – 1965
I experience rage every single day. It’s mainly when I drop things onto the floor. My hands don’t work very well these days, I can’t bend down to pick anything up without my grab-it stick, and I drop every last da__ thing that I touch (it seems). I lose crochet hooks because they roll off my table all the time, and, in fact, I one rolled off yesterday and despite Paul down on all fours looking for it, it is still lost. Rage. It’s when you lose your favorite size crochet hook! (but tempered rage, because I have more of them!!!)
Oh Bex, that does sound so very frustrating!! And such an ongoing situation, something to be faced over and over again! Ouch!
My rage is temporary, thank goodness. It will dominate me for a time, then, when the tools it brings are in place, it will step back, or dissipate completely, to let me get on with things.
Maggie, I’m glad it has finally shown up. This is, ideed, a tool you can use to move forward.
This also moves you into the stage where there is no going back. Whatever evolves between you and Atilla, there will be no return to old patterns.
Wendy, yes rage is a welcome and necessary phase. There is no going back, for me now, and there was no going back for Attila after the second announcement. The old patterns are well and truly gone. Attila had time to adjust to his new way of seeing things, he gave himself that time before he let me in on the big secret. I, on the other hand, have had months less lead time in adjusting to the loss of the old. Letting go of something that your heart wants, and that you have valued for a very long time is very hard to do. The future is a blank page.
I’m glad rage has arrived too. It’s normal, but more importantly, it’s motivating. You didn’t pick this change in your life. It was secretly planned and then dumped on you. But I can almost guarantee that the new life you craft for yourself will be better in its own way. You’re building a plan and trying new things. You have people who love you. You’re clear-eyed as you move forward. Nobody can stop you now.
P.S. This is one of the most powerful posts I’ve ever read!
Sandy, it is motivating. My new life is frightening, so much is unknown, the project of a lifetime! Many thanks about the post, I had to express this somewhere, somehow. I love it here!
Maggie, after reading this morning’s entry, I finally found the words in my head for my impression of what Attila has done. By not telling you about his needs, trusting that you would make a sincere, good-faith effort to work with him, he has impugned your integrity–and there’s no coming back from that.
Wendy, your impression does ring true. My sincerity and good-faith have not been treated fairly, or respectfully. I am gathering my strengths to myself now, and leaving Attila to his. Civility and sanity will prevail, for my own sake I need to maintain both if, and only if, integrity allows.