Some nights are a “long dark tea time of the soul”, at least in my life some nights are like that.
Tonight is one of those nights.
I don’t see them coming, and I am not really sure what triggers them now.
When they arrive, it is usually about two hours after I retire for the night that I realize I won’t be falling asleep any time soon.
Occasionally these sleepless nights involve painful thoughts and emotions, but most of the time they do not.
Sometimes I lie in bed, in hopes that I will fall asleep. And usually I will eventually fall asleep, sometime around 4:00 to 5:00 a.m. in the morning. We arise at 5:30 a.m., and I awake as soon as Attila’s alarm goes off. I arise as usual, begin my day, and go to bed a little bit early the following night. It seems my body is tired of being sleepless by the end of the next day.
Other times I will arise and busy myself with interesting things, reading, listening to an audio book, watching a youtube video, playing mahjong solitaire, puttering around the house, working on the computer, and tonight, writing this entry.
Writing helps me to clarify my thoughts, explore my feelings. Often, as I do my inner housekeeping, I discover how pieces of my life fit together for the first time, or fit together in new ways. In writing this entry I’ve realized that these sleepless nights began after a particular experience.
The first time I experienced one of these completely sleepless nights was when I was 17 years old. My then boyfriend’s cousin was getting married, and the bride had invited me to accompany them to a dress fitting, exciting stuff for a 17 year old. This meant I had to ask for a day off work, which was a very big deal with the summer job that I had, but I managed it. The big day arrived and I was dressed in the early morning, and waiting for the party to pick me up. I waited, and I waited, and I waited. By noon I realized that they weren’t coming. There was no call to let me know, no attempt to contact me was made, that day or evening.
The next day I was at the “hen party” for the bride, and was staying the night with the “girls”. No one mentioned that they had failed to pick me up the day before. My boyfriend’s mother was there, and I asked her why they hadn’t picked me up. She was annoyed at my question. She rudely told me that they “didn’t have time” to pick me up. I was devastated. I did not sleep at all that night, at that “hen party”, the atmosphere of oppression was strong. I had misjudged these people, and had looked forward to sharing their special day. I felt not only their betrayal, but also sadness at my own naiveté.
My boyfriend didn’t think it was a problem, no big deal. As it turns out, there are quite few people in the world with similar attitudes, or so it used to seem, as we eventually married. and my life was populated with these people. The relationship was not a good fit. The marriage eventually ended badly, a very long time ago.
Eventually I forgave myself for tolerating that network of relationships, that marriage.
My present marriage is completely different, there is a lot of love at our house. We have had our ups and downs, and rocky periods. Love is the thread from which our blanket is woven.
We are bumping along into old age, and I still look forward to hearing Attila call “I’m home”, as he comes through the door at the end of the working day.
So, here I sit, wide awake in the wee hours of the night, in my easy chair, writing this entry, with Ginger gently snoring at my side, and Attila snoring in the next room.
I thank the universe for the existence of words to gentle the night.
Updated on Thu, Jun 22 at 1:35 AM
FEELS LIKE 18
Wind 6 E km/h
Humidity 71 %
Visibility 23 km
Sunrise 5:24 AM
Wind gust 9 km/h
Pressure 102.1 kPa
Ceiling 9100 m
Sunset 8:55 PM
“Fall seven times, stand up eight.”