Some nights are a “long dark tea time of the soul”, at least in my life some nights are like that.
Tonight is one of those nights.
I don’t see them coming, and I am not really sure what triggers them now.
When they arrive, it is usually about two hours after I retire for the night that I realize I won’t be falling asleep any time soon.
Occasionally these sleepless nights involve painful thoughts and emotions, but most of the time they do not.
Sometimes I lie in bed, in hopes that I will fall asleep. And usually I will eventually fall asleep, sometime around 4:00 to 5:00 a.m. in the morning. We arise at 5:30 a.m., and I awake as soon as Attila’s alarm goes off. I arise as usual, begin my day, and go to bed a little bit early the following night. It seems my body is tired of being sleepless by the end of the next day.
Other times I will arise and busy myself with interesting things, reading, listening to an audio book, watching a youtube video, playing mahjong solitaire, puttering around the house, working on the computer, and tonight, writing this entry.
Writing helps me to clarify my thoughts, explore my feelings. Often, as I do my inner housekeeping, I discover how pieces of my life fit together for the first time, or fit together in new ways. In writing this entry I’ve realized that these sleepless nights began after a particular experience.
The first time I experienced one of these completely sleepless nights was when I was 17 years old. My then boyfriend’s cousin was getting married, and the bride had invited me to accompany them to a dress fitting, exciting stuff for a 17 year old. This meant I had to ask for a day off work, which was a very big deal with the summer job that I had, but I managed it. The big day arrived and I was dressed in the early morning, and waiting for the party to pick me up. I waited, and I waited, and I waited. By noon I realized that they weren’t coming. There was no call to let me know, no attempt to contact me was made, that day or evening.
The next day I was at the “hen party” for the bride, and was staying the night with the “girls”. No one mentioned that they had failed to pick me up the day before. My boyfriend’s mother was there, and I asked her why they hadn’t picked me up. She was annoyed at my question. She rudely told me that they “didn’t have time” to pick me up. I was devastated. I did not sleep at all that night, at that “hen party”, the atmosphere of oppression was strong. I had misjudged these people, and had looked forward to sharing their special day. I felt not only their betrayal, but also sadness at my own naiveté.
My boyfriend didn’t think it was a problem, no big deal. As it turns out, there are quite few people in the world with similar attitudes, or so it used to seem, as we eventually married. and my life was populated with these people. The relationship was not a good fit. The marriage eventually ended badly, a very long time ago.
Eventually I forgave myself for tolerating that network of relationships, that marriage.
My present marriage is completely different, there is a lot of love at our house. We have had our ups and downs, and rocky periods. Love is the thread from which our blanket is woven.
We are bumping along into old age, and I still look forward to hearing Attila call “I’m home”, as he comes through the door at the end of the working day.
So, here I sit, wide awake in the wee hours of the night, in my easy chair, writing this entry, with Ginger gently snoring at my side, and Attila snoring in the next room.
I thank the universe for the existence of words to gentle the night.
Worldly
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Updated on Thu, Jun 22 at 1:35 AM
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Quote
“Fall seven times, stand up eight.”
Japanese Proverb
Mean people! I’m glad that’s long in the past. I hope you sleep well tonight. <3
Those painful moments of being excluded or forgotten stay with us a very long time. People really can be nasty and thoughtless. But you now have a wonderful life with Attila (and Ginger!) You have family and friends who love you.Hugs!
Joan, I eventually came to the same conclusion, after years of experiences just like this. It isn’t completely in the past, that person I married was the father of my children, there are echoes and invisible connections to contend with, probably for the rest of my life. Some mistakes leave their mark.
I did eventually fall into a restful slumber, at about 3:00 a.m., thanks to power of words, and the knowledge that now my life is rich in good friends, and family who love me.
Sandy, it is best to forgive, but not wise to forget.
I turned the other cheek until my head was on backwards. That had to stop.
I have a high tolerance for people who are thoughtless, everyone is thoughtless at one time or another, the great variety in human individuals means we can’t understand or relate to every persons experiences and context. When people I respect are thoughtless, I continue communicating with them, remembering that I love them, and that they would not intentionally hurt me. For me that is the crucial difference between mean and nasty, and thoughtless, the core motivation, do they care if they hurt others, is it a worthwhile consideration to them.
I believe that there are people who are mean and nasty at their very core. They feel justified in their spiteful behaviour, and sometimes use a dogma of some kind to justify it. Others enjoy inflicting discomfort or pain on others. Derision and contempt are a sport of sorts, from which they derive feelings of superiority, obviously having no internal feeling of self-worth to sustain them. Others still think that stepping on others is sign of intelligence and prowess.
The smaller their internal integrity, the bigger their transgressions towards others.
Some perhaps have a reason for being that self-referencing and spiteful towards others, but that is their issue to deal with, not mine.
Maggie, I am so sorry that you had to deal with those people. Shame on them and I hope karma bites them in the butt! I really don’t understand how hard it would be to call you and let you know that they would be unable to pick you up and to offer an apology. What has happened to common courtesy?! I read in bed with my ipad…never fails to puts me to sleep. I have heard that writing down your concerns and problems before you head to bed can also help one to sleep. Wishing you a wonderful sleep and sweet dreams tonight.
Thank you Eileen for your kind thoughts. It seems their only Karma is that they have to live their lives as themselves, never knowing the gentler aspect of human relationships.
I think reading in bed is a good idea, I’ll give that a try next time. Writing is a wonderful way to bring concerns to the surface, to be dealt with. My sleepless night ended up bing not completely sleepless for writing this journal entry, and knowing that it would be read by compassionate and kind people. I fell asleep around 3:00 a.m., which is much earlier than has been my custom. The gentle power of words, and friendship.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I know exactly what that’s like, as you pretty much described my experiences and inlaws in my first marriage. Fortunately, thoughts of those times seldom happen anymore.
I often have trouble sleeping too, though I’ve gotten some handle on it thanks to light usage of a CBD lotion. Quite necessary at this time of year, or I would be waking up around 4-5AM, after just going to bed about midnight. But when I can’t sleep I’m usually up sitting inthemliving room around 1:30AM, and may be there until 4AM. I’ll spend that time usually either catching up on news, or if I run out of that then playing – yes, mahjongg solitaire or regular solitaire.
Re: your previous post about dead ash trees, you may have solved a mystery for me. We have an entire large grove of dead trees between our house and the lake. They weren’t old trees, maybe 30 years old when they died. I’ve often wondered why such a large number of trees would die, and your emerald ash borer might be the answer to that question.
Thank you Teri, I am sorry to hear that you have had similar experiences, but glad that thoughts of those times are seldom with you.
That is interesting that CBC lotion helps, I will look into that. For now I am experimenting with my medication, taking it at a different time of day to see if that makes any difference. The experiments take time, but are worth the effort.
It is so sad about the dead ash trees, they are everywhere around us. We too have a grove of young ash trees that all died together, they are off in the distance. Yesterday there was an abourist taking down one of the huge dead ash in the wood lot a few lots down from us. I could watch him from a distance, as he was close to the top of the tree, quite high. He brought it all down within an hour. I loved watching all those trees sway in the breeze during the summer, now they are all rattling bare branches. Sigh, things change, things always change.
Hi, Maggie. Yes, I’ve had pretty good sleep with my CBD. I’m using Proofly Extra Ease CBD Body Lotion. It comes in a 100g container.
I dip a finger in and a massage a dime size amount on each foot or leg and one on my forehead, and I usually relax into sleep in about 10 minutes. But if you use too much it can actually wake you up, so you have to learn what’s right for your body.
It doesn’t make me feel drugged or lethargic, just relaxed. But if you’re already agitated it may not be able to overcome that.
Teri, thanks for the details, I might give CBD a try. I don’t have too many sleepless nights, but I do not like them!