The five stages of grief have become a part of my daily life. These stages are described as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I have experienced disbelief, rage, bargaining in the form of fleshing out what is going on, determining if it is really happening, and it is, and yesterday I moved into depression. I am not really prone to depression, in general, but this is different, intense, and very powerful. I continue to do the things I have set out to do, but as of yesterday I found myself sitting down every so often and thinking “what is the use”, or “why bother”, usually in conjunction with a tidal wave of sadness. I recognize this as depression, another stage along the way to dealing with this sudden traumatic end to my relationship of 25 years.
The depression is not a cause for concern at this point in the grieving process, it is necessary. I do not like it one bit. I know that it will pass, and I will be very careful about any decision making I do, while feeling this way. Best to write down the ins and outs of issues that arise, and come back to them later. For the moment though, the things that must be done are so very daunting that I can hardly face them! I will have to break them down into tiny steps, and then follow the steps until I get to the end of each.
The contract or the new window installation arrived today. It is all legalese, which I hate wading through, but it has to be done. We won’t be getting the windows until well into the spring, so there is quite a time lag on the project. A contractor for insulation is coming today to give an estimate for the basement and the attic, we have a lot of questions about that, and it has yet to be determined if this will work for our house. Today is a day filled with administrative paperwork and interactions with contractors. Not my favourite thing, but needs must. This is where the depression is making it hard for me to slog through all of these documents and processes.
The timing of these funding programs has put a bit of a wrench in Attila’s timeline for his garage studio project. He seems to be rolling with this, but I have discovered that what Attila presents to me, and what is really going on, are not always the same thing. Time will tell.
This week will include Tai Chi, meditation, and perhaps a bit of live music. All of the other activities are hit and miss right now, some may stick, others may not. I have purchased a book outlining the Tai Chi moves, and where the feet need to be placed. Placing my feet correctly is imperative, so as to avoid injuring my knee. I will practise from the book, rather than a youtube video, as it won’t move along and beyond me while I try to master the techniques.
I am in correspondence with the CT scan people [now the MRI people], to ensure that my allergen is not in the injection that I will be given. I have to remain very focused when dealing with this issue, as my life depends on clear and accurate communication. So many things are so very hard when you have anaphylaxis.
I guess it is better to be busy when I am feeling blue!
Date: 2:00 PM EST Monday 5 February 2018
Condition: Mostly Cloudy
Pressure: 102.1 kPa
Dew point: -15.4°C
Wind: SW 7 km/h
Wind Chill: -13
Visibility: 24 km
“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”
1844 – 1924
Well, I just got a call back from the CT scan people, they feel a CT scan is not the diagnostic tool that should be used for my health issue, and reccommend an MRI. They have cancelled the CT appointment and are contacting the doctor at the walk-in clinic to arrange an MRI appointment, someone will be in touch with me to arrange the new appointment!
Maggie, as hard as it is to slog through all that administrative stuff when you are in the deep grieving, it is also the thing most likely to help you, strange as that may seem. The contract details, while tangentially related to your grief, are a point of focus away from it.
It’s good to read that you are aware of how vulnerable you are right now and are handling everything so carefully. Well done!
You are so darn sensible! I mean that in the best possible way, of course. I could probably use a little more of your levelheadedness than what I now possess. -Kate
Thanks Wendy, I think you are right about the administrative stuff being a help, it is very distracting.
It is frightening to be this vulnerable! Forward is the only available route, baby steps though, baby steps.
Thank you Kate! I took that in the best possible way, of course! I hate being levelheaded, I like the results, but I hate the doing of it. Sometimes I long to just scream and lose control and have someone else pick up the pieces… never happens though, there are no pieces picker uppers in my world, so I just have to head those longing off at the pass, 🙂
It sounds like you have a good plan for the week. I can well appreciate just how frightening and depressing these changes are. Strength and comfort to you!
I have found that being busy, in both mind and body, gets you through some otherwise un-gettable situations. Having the leisure time for the mind to wander (and wonder) around your universe can be difficult, but being busy makes the days seem more purposeful and not just marking time.
Joan, thank you for your good wishes! The intensity of this process feels like it will be forever, but it will not!
Bex, you are so right! Being actively engaged in the an activity of some kind does make challenging situations a lot more tolerable. The mediation I do is directed, so the mind does not wander or dwell on ideaa or issues, which is a good skill to develop, particularly when it is time to fall asleep!