I am living in my marital home with a man, with whom I am not in a marital relationship.
There, the one true thing I know about my new life.
Three days ago I thought I was living in a family, myself and my loving husband Attila. Attila lived up to his name, slaying our relationship with one sentence, “I should move out.” He didn’t though, this second utterance of December, of the same sentence, was followed by the suggestion that he stay in the home, provide me with the necessities of life, and carry out his life as a single person, with no intention of maintaining a marital relationship with me. Our family of two is no more.
My universe this morning, at 4:46 a.m., the very first day of 2018, is unrecognizable to me. The only thing I am sure of is the first statement above, and the blanket around my shoulders on this frigid and frosty morning.
After not having slept since last Friday night, last night, Sunday night, New Year’s Eve, my body finally collapsed into an exhausted slumber. Feeling physically ill, I lay down my head at 8:46 p.m. last night, and awoke this morning around 4:00 a.m. Lying awake the above statement formed in my head, it was the only thought that I could rely on, the only true thing I know about my life at the moment.
The blanket has become the one true thing in my physical world. It is the blanket I completed this fall, crocheted while safe in a world I thought I knew and understood. As Attila dismantled our life, the loss and shock chilled me to the bone, so I sought the blanket and huddled under it all of Saturday night, that long all-night conversation that altered the universe. I have had the blanket wrapped around me off and on ever since, slept under it last night, and am wearing it around my shoulders this morning. It is thick and warm and reminds me that I can create warm beautiful things, with my own hands. It reminds that one stitch at a time, warmth and shelter can be created, over time, stitch by stitch. I need to keep in touch with that knowledge now, more than ever before in my life. It reminds me of the title of this journal, Page By Page. So here I am, entering the New Year as a senior citizen, who faces creating a new life on a tiny government pension, stitch by stitch, and page by page. God help me.
So begins 2018. What this year will bring I do not know.
EXTREME COLD WARNING IN EFFECT
Date: 4:00 AM EST Monday 1 January 2018
Condition: Not observed
Pressure: 103.1 kPa
Dew point: -32.6°C
Wind: WNW 6 km/h
Wind Chill: -36
“The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise man.”
484 BC – 406 BC