I love Christmas.
The older I get the more missing pieces there are in my world. Two of my brothers gone, a former partner gone, my Granny and Grandpa gone, and so many of my cherished friends gone. It is at Christmas that I most keenly miss these beloved people.
This morning I was having a good old cry, sitting with my coffee in hand, gazing at the lights on the Christmas tree. During childhood there was no sense of loss, there were no fond memories. It was all wonder, excitement, and belief in a systemic goodness in the world. Now the experience of Christmas has much more depth. It now includes the loss of loved ones, and the loss of hope in systemic goodness that was based on ignorance and innocence.
This morning I was thinking, and feeling, that what has developed over the years, for me, is a sense of Christmas gratitude. The tears, and sadness of loss, lead me into a sense of wonder, at how surrounded by love my life has been, and still is.
So I am going to accept these rising tears, as I think of all the lovely people I can no longer spend time with. These tears are the gentle rain of acceptance and gratitude for having had what I have lost.
This is a part of the Christmas season for me, and has been for a very long time. Years ago, my unsuccessful attempts to be “Merry” through this part of my Christmas have amplified the pain of loss. For me, opening up my heart at Christmas initiates memories, the accompanying emotions, and finally profound gratitude, and a deeper, richer kind of hope.
Updated on Mon, Dec 18 at 9:17 AM
FEELS LIKE 3
Wind 20 NW km/h
Humidity 98 %
Visibility 7 km
Sunrise 7:38 AM
Wind gust 30 km/h
Pressure 99 kPa
Ceiling 7400 m
Sunset 4:30 PM
“Gratitude is born in hearts that take time to count up past mercies.”
Charles E. Jefferson
1860 – 1937