Burning the Midnight Oil

As I grow older there are fewer and fewer “long dark tea times of the soul”. I doubt I will ever be completely free of nights like this. They serve a purpose, and that is to come to grips with change, inner change. Internal change is not easy, nor is it painless. But avoiding it leads to all sorts of ongoing complications and unpleasantness. So I choose not to avoid it, although I admit to a certain amount of procrastination, which leads to a backlog, which leads to the all night vigil for change to clear things up.

So here I sit at 2:00 a.m., after having tossed and turned in my bed for hours. I feel tired, but I know I will not sleep until I have processed these thoughts and feelings.

I used to think that talking to someone would help this stage of my process. Experience has taught me otherwise. What I am dealing with does not lend itself to language, it is just too exhausting to bring all the loose ends of an issue into communication.

In the past I’ve talked with good listeners, wise people, compassionate and tolerant people, about elements of the issues, and have had wonderful feedback. But it is up to me to weave all of these loose filaments into a life.

As circumstances change, and I change, the dance of life plays on.

Tonight’s journey is not directly related to changes in outward circumstances, but to internal changes that need my attention. This is often referred to as personal growth.

I will give this my full attention tonight. I will allow my emotions to rise and be felt. I will comfort myself with kindness, and firmness, and acceptance. I will eventually return to my bed, and fall asleep for a few hours before morning offers a new day. I will awaken to a renewed sense of balance.

Tomorrow I will have a mellow day. Tomorrow night I will get a full night’s sleep.



Updated on Sun, May 12 at 1:57 AM
Light rain
Wind 4 E km/h
Humidity 90 %
Visibility 17 km
Sunrise 5:45 AM
Wind gust 6 km/h
Pressure 100.7 kPa
Ceiling 1400 m
Sunset 8:23 PM


“In the past the whales had been able to sing to each other across whole oceans, even from one ocean to another because sound travels such huge distances underwater. But now, again because of the way in which sound travels, there is no part of the ocean that is not constantly jangling with the hubbub of ships’ motors, through which it is now virtually impossible for the whales to hear each other’s songs or messages.

So fucking what, is pretty much the way that people tend to view this problem, and understandably so, thought Dirk. After all, who wants to hear a bunch of fat fish, oh all right, mammals, burping at each other?

But for a moment Dirk had a sense of infinite loss and sadness that somewhere amongst the frenzy of information noise that daily rattled the lives of men he thought he might have heard a few notes that denoted the movements of gods.”

Douglas Adams
1952 – 2001
from the The Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul

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I do hope you were able to sleep after processing whatever it was that had your mind buzzing.


Doug Adams had the right of it, as do you. Here’s wishing you peaceful integration and a better night’s sleep tonight.


Hi Maggie. I alo hope you got some sleep. Do you ever np and des that help you feel rested? ((Hugs)) Sandy


Sending hugs and hope you were able to resolve what was bothering you. I read somewhere that it helps to write down all the issues that are keeping you awake…sort of having a dumping ground for the worries and emotions. Hope you get an excellent sleep tonight!


Sending you hugs. I’m glad you made it the other side of your hard times.