There were a few small warning signs, touches of irritability over inconsequential matters and an irritating twitch just under my left eye.

When I lay my head on the pillow last night I had no idea what was ahead of me. At 3:30 a.m. I looked over at the clock and thought, "will this night never end!"

I did drift off to sleep sometime after 4:00 a.m., but since we rise at 5:20 a.m., there wasn't much time for sleeping left.

There was nothing troubling me, nothing in particular on my mind. Same old problems, same old challenges, same old life. What had changed, I believe, is that the cumulative effect of isolation had finally tipped my balance and a full blown case of cabin fever emerged over the course of one day.

I think what tipped the balance were two consecutive telephone conversations with someone who laid out their political parties imperatives, and aggresively sought my agreement. Their intent was not harmful. I tried to change the subject, as I don't like discussing politics. I don't agree with everything that anyone else says and do not feel a need to have them agree with anything I believe.

I weathered the first conversation feeling only irritated. The second conversation left me feeling under seige; and I was forced to gently offer a differing opinion, which seemed to offend. Free speech has to be mutual to live up to its own definition.

Not much to be done about cabin fever though, "there ain't no cure". I will get out of the house on Thursday for a few hours, when we visit the library. The trips to the library have slowed the advance of cabin fever, but cannot halt it altogether.

Usually, at this point, I begin to try to help myself. At least that is what I think I am doing.

I apply for work in the big city, which has not so far resulted in even an interview; I am too far removed from the networks that provide easy access to employment offering a livable wage. I apply for work locally, when there are jobs advertised that I could actually manage; this year there are no local jobs listed in the papers or on the internet that I could manage. Our car supports Attila's employment, which is regular at the moment and cannot be put at risk to accomodate the odd hours usually demanded by low wage employment. Low end jobs will not support a car. It goes in circles.

I've given this tactic a fair chance, for five long years. This year I am not going to send out hopeless resumes; it deepens and quickens the effects of cabin fever.

Another tactic I tried last year was to join an organization based on mutual interest, my allergy. It turned out there were no groups close enough for access. It was suggested to me that I could start up my own group. The area where I live is not populated enough to support a group. I came up with the idea of creating a forum for those isolated, under the auspices of the organization I had joined. They said it was a wonderful idea and they would get back to me. They never did, and never will. Again, that tactic deepened and quickened the effects of cabin fever.

This year I have contacted another organization to see if there is any possibility of serving my community under their auspices. They were very friendly, and said they would get back to me. I have no confidence that this will occurr and fear I've made another error in judgement, that will deepen and quicken the effects of cabin fever.

I'm not sure I'll give this second tactic, volunteerism, a full five years of disappointment, before abandoning it to the realms of been there, done that.

So, I am sitting here looking out at the beautiful landscape, wondering at the seemingly insurmountable gap between what organizations say they are doing and what they actually are able to accomplish. Shocking really, the chasm.

Mist sleeps, I fantasize, snow falls and the day will pass.

I do have another tactic up my sleeve though: macaroni and cheese! Attila was very pleased to find a hot plate of fresh homemade mac n cheese waiting for him. It really is comfort food, really.