February 22, 2005

The Butterfly



Here are a few of my favorite online haunts:

[This is the site I visit to fantasize about living in Toronto again, which is almost every single day during the winter]

Jonathan Cainer's Zodiac Forecasts
[This is where I visit in the morning, when I need a positive spin on things past, present and future.]

Living Local
[This is where I go to see what Canadians are up to, sometimes I even buy things from the businesses listed there.]

Environment Canada Weather
[This is the site I visit every morning, and before every road trip during the winter]

This morning, when I woke up, it had all changed.

To put it another way, something changed.

I don't know what it was, or what it is.

Analysis is futile. I do not understand. Perhaps a butterfly flapped its wing on the other side of the world, and I caught that small movement out of the corner of my inner eye.

Bear with me here, I am about to embark on a temporary journey into the reality of my present situation. Life hasn't been much fun for the last few months. No work, no real prospects. Worry. Bills. Fear. Anxiety. Panic. The dying echoes of the politics and subtle malice of my traumatic severance from work. Work which I loved; a loss sustained, a dream shattered.

None of that has changed.

I found out yesterday that my cholesterol, the "bad" kind of cholesterol, is abnormally high. Apparently, it is a problem. Stroke, heart attack, these words came up in my conversation with the doctor. The drugs I need to take are expensive. Six days from now, when our drug benefits plan expires, I will add this to my list of worries.

None of this is good news, unless you compare it to the prospect of a more serious life-threatening illness. This sort of logic has now reached the end of its shelf life, in my life. Don't almost all problems fade when faced with a more serious life-threatening illness? Always look on the bright side of life. Haven't I heard that somewhere?

If I think about things, life seems overwhelmingly futile.

Starting this morning, if I feel about things, life is just there, an experience I am having.

It is my experience.

There is no particular point to it, for it or against it.

My head and my heart are not in agreement, futility versus existence. Hmm.. to think versus to feel. Should I choose?

" To %(&^$ with thinking", I think.

Yes, that feels right.

I wish to live out my days with those who love me, and whom I love. Luckily, I have both. I wish to dedicate time in this life to eating chocolate cake, every day. I wish to expend energy following unprofitable lines of inquiry into my ancestral past. In other words, I want to do economically useless, totally human things that bring enlightenment and joy into my existence.

I am relieved that I still wish anything at all.

New! Curious, as always, I saw this comment feature (below) on John Bailey's site, and thought I'd give it a go. If you please, leave a comment.

Top of Page

Worldly Distractions

Bedsheet on the Window
Bed Sheet Drape and Clothespins

By the Easy Chair
Family Matters
by Rohinton Mistry

"If wishes were changes we'd all live in roses,
And there wouldn't be children who cried in their sleep."
from Lyrics - If Wishes Were Changes
by Nanci Griffith

14:00 EST
Temp: -2`C
Humidity: 54%
Wind: N 15 km/h
Barometric: 101.8 kPa

Sunrise 7:06 AM EST
Sunset 5:55 PM EST

Page by Page: A Woman's Journal
by Maggie Turner

Canadian Maggie Turner writes and publishes poetry, photography, and a personal journal online. Her work reflects the current way of life in Canada, embracing Canada's past, present, and future in a unique portrayal of everyday life. Maggie's voice is one of the many that actively depict the rich diversity of Canadian culture.

Photography: "a term which comes from the Greek words photos (light) and graphos (drawing). A photograph is made with a camera by exposing film to light in order to create a negative. The negative is then used in the darkroom to print a photograph (positive) onto light-sensitive paper.
Source: University of Arizona Glossary

Poetry: "a form of speech or writing that harmonizes the music of its language with its subject. To read a great poem is to bring out the perfect marriage of its sound and thought in a silent or voiced performance. At least from the time of Aristotle's Poetics, drama was conceived of as a species of poetry."
Source: Creative Studios

Journal: " "Though a journal may be many things - a treasury, a storehouse, a jewelry box, a laboratory, a drafting board, a collector's cabinet, a snapshot album, a history, a travelogue..., a letter to oneself - it has some definable characteristics. It is a record, an entry-book, kept regularly, though not necessarily daily.... Some (entries) will be nearly illegible, written in the dark in the middle of the night.... Not only is it a record for oneself, but of oneself. Every memorable journal, any successful journal, is honest. Nothing sham, phony, false...." (Dorothy Lambert from Ken Macrorie's book, Writing to be Read )
A journal is a way to keep track of your thoughts about what you read... as well as what you did on any given day."
Source: Journal Writing

A Blog is an online journal created by server side software, often hosted by a commercial interest.

"The term "weblog" was coined by Jorn Barger[4] on 17 December 1997. The short form, "blog," was coined by Peter Merholz, who jokingly broke the word weblog into the phrase we blog in the sidebar of his blog Peterme.com in April or May 1999.[5][6][7] Shortly thereafter, Evan Williams at Pyra Labs used "blog" as both a noun and verb ("to blog," meaning "to edit one's weblog or to post to one's weblog") and devised the term "blogger" in connection with Pyra Labs' Blogger product, leading to the popularization of the terms."
Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_blogging

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