This morning, when I woke up, it had all changed.
To put it another way, something changed.
I don't know what it was, or what it is.
Analysis is futile. I do not understand. Perhaps a butterfly flapped its wing on the other side of the world, and I caught that small movement out of the corner of my inner eye.
Bear with me here, I am about to embark on a temporary journey into the reality of my present situation. Life hasn't been much fun for the last few months. No work, no real prospects. Worry. Bills. Fear. Anxiety. Panic. The dying echoes of the politics and subtle malice of my traumatic severance from work. Work which I loved; a loss sustained, a dream shattered.
None of that has changed.
I found out yesterday that my cholesterol, the "bad" kind of cholesterol, is abnormally high. Apparently, it is a problem. Stroke, heart attack, these words came up in my conversation with the doctor. The drugs I need to take are expensive. Six days from now, when our drug benefits plan expires, I will add this to my list of worries.
None of this is good news, unless you compare it to the prospect of a more serious life-threatening illness. This sort of logic has now reached the end of its shelf life, in my life. Don't almost all problems fade when faced with a more serious life-threatening illness? Always look on the bright side of life. Haven't I heard that somewhere?
If I think about things, life seems overwhelmingly futile.
Starting this morning, if I feel about things, life is just there, an experience I am having.
It is my experience.
There is no particular point to it, for it or against it.
My head and my heart are not in agreement, futility versus existence. Hmm.. to think versus to feel. Should I choose?
" To %(&^$ with thinking", I think.
Yes, that feels right.
I wish to live out my days with those who love me, and whom I love. Luckily, I have both. I wish to dedicate time in this life to eating chocolate cake, every day. I wish to expend energy following unprofitable lines of inquiry into my ancestral past. In other words, I want to do economically useless, totally human things that bring enlightenment and joy into my existence.
I am relieved that I still wish anything at all.
New! Curious, as always, I saw this comment feature (below) on John Bailey's site, and thought I'd give it a go. If you please, leave a comment.
|RECIPES :: Cast
Bed Sheet Drape and Clothespins
By the Easy Chair
by Rohinton Mistry
"If wishes were changes we'd all live in roses,
And there wouldn't be children who cried in their sleep."
from Lyrics - If Wishes Were Changes
by Nanci Griffith
Wind: N 15 km/h
Barometric: 101.8 kPa
Sunrise 7:06 AM EST
Sunset 5:55 PM EST
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