This morning I readied myself and set forth for my class. Attila has stopped cleaning off my vehicle for me, with this last snowfall, when he cleans off his. He had always done this, and I have always appreciated it. That really stung this morning, as it is the first time it has come up, that the courtesy is no longer extended to me. This is part of the “only think of myself” mission I suppose. I can clean off my own vehicle, that is not the issue, it is that I have to face the loss of an intimacy that I had valued. My days are full to the brim with losses, and there will be more, and more significant losses to come. Deconstruction continues.
Yoga was interesting today. I attended before, and it was an easy place to be friendly, while busy with a shared activity. This time round though, a social element has been added, with imaginary play, sitting in a circle and throwing an imaginary ball at one another for about 20 minutes. To be honest, even at the best of times, I wouldn’t enjoy this type of social interaction. Right now however, I find it distressing. The first ten minutes I managed to hide my discomfort, but I think my feelings must have been showing on my face, and/or body language, because inclusion in the game fell away me, and I was left to mostly sit watching the action, faking laughter when everyone else laughed, a smile pasted on my face. One of the women mentioned, as we were putting on our winter clothing to leave, that it was just a bit of fun. I responded that it was good to have fun, in as positive a way as I could, remaining as smiling and friendly as I could. Everyone else appeared to enjoy it, and I am happy for them. I don’t feel the same way about it though, and I found myself watching every minute go by on the clock during the imaginary ball throwing portion. I have paid for five more classes, and so I will attend what I paid for.
The yoga class is about all that is affordable and available, unless I drive 40 km to the nearest city. I think I will have to do that, to find activities that I can physically handle, and also enjoy. I have had a look, and there do seem to be quite a few activities I could handle and afford, so it is a matter of signing up, and driving there and back when I want to spend an hour or so with other people. The winter is a bit of a stretch, it is quite a drive, and night driving in bad weather isn’t my favourite thing to do, but needs must. Also, I have to pay for a series of classes up front, so if the roads are bad my recreational funds have been spent for naught.
I attended a meditation class in the city last night, and I really liked it. It was interesting, as there were a variety of people there, so very different from one another. Fascinating. People greeted me at the door with smiles and a welcome. It was almost a full house, and people were pleasantly chatting to one another, a very friendly, easy atmosphere was created. When out alone in a strange setting, I am aware of everything around me. There was a fellow sitting in front of me with an iPad, who was taking pictures of everything; when I noticed his camera targeting me (I could see the view screen), I managed to duck behind his head so as not to be in his photograph. There was another fellow sitting a few rows up from me, who from time to time leaned to the left and farted, very odd. He tried to make eye contact with me at one point, I stared past him. The fellow sitting right next to me on my right fell asleep near the beginning of the meditation segment, and spent the entire meditation time sleeping, breathing loudly, and snorting from time to time. Despite all of these little things that I noticed, the room was full of very good energy, and it felt good to be there. I will go again, and look forward to it.
After my class Attila and I attended a music event, which we both enjoyed.
It was a pleasant evening out in the city.
A bit of a rough day emotionally. Some small things came up between Attila and I this morning before he left for work which I need to think through, and work through my feelings. And the emotions involved with cleaning off Tank needed to be dealt with. It is tough work.
After hitting some snags while working on the website project, I have cleared a hurdle and can now proceed again. I really welcome this bit of work right now, it will help to keep me grounded, and prevent me from spinning off into my heartbreak.
Date: 12:00 PM EST Wednesday 17 January 2018
Condition: Light Snow
Pressure: 102.7 kPa
Dew point: -9.3°C
Wind: SW 13 km/h
Wind Chill: -13
Visibility: 2 km
“As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it.”
1869 – 1948