It was a hell of a day yesterday. Attila changed his mind, suddenly, again, and again feels the marriage is over, and that what he wants out of life is to “smoke cigarettes, paint (art), listen to loud rock music, and only think about himself”. He says he is running out of time and that is what he wants to do with the rest of his life.
Yesterday he was brutally honest, not in the least bit gentle, and did spend all night talking with me, filling in the blanks, answering my questions. The upshot is that although he says he still loves me more than anyone else in the world, it is not enough for him to want to be in a relationship with me, or to even consider me more than “just a friend”, not even a “special friend”. He says he doesn’t want to be responsible for anyone else’s happiness, that is too much of a burden for him.
Being responsible for my unhappiness it seems, is acceptable.
What a way to end 2017!
On Friday night I slept for about five hours, an improvement. We didn’t sleep last night at all, talked all night. We went to bed around 7:00 a.m., but I only fell asleep for a few moments here and there, awakened each time by the intense emotional shock, pain, and grief. Actually, I think my insomnia over the past week or so has been my subconscious reading the signs and reacting. I feel as if I will never sleep again.
Attila slept like a baby, a deep peaceful sleep, his decision has been made. Attila is not experiencing any sense of loss over this, and no pain at all. He is doing what he wants, and does not want to concern himself with my feelings, or anyone else’s. His willingness to talk things over with me won’t last, it is mainly guilt, and a bit of concern for me since he had “been rough on me today”, that motivated him to interact with me, I know that. So I took advantage of that window of communication to find out as much as I could about why my life is falling apart. Attila does not intend to interact with me much in future, and he no longer considers me his spouse. He is willing to move out, but not determined to do so at this point.
This is all very painful, actually more painful than the first time he announced he was moving out, earlier in December. Perhaps it hurts more because he came back the last time, citing his announcement as a “terrible terrible mistake”. Apparently the “terrible, terrible mistake” was mainly that finding an apartment was not flowing well, and his gut reaction was that it was a sign that he was going about this break up the wrong way. This is not what I was led to believe at the time… life is full of surprises.
My broken heart is colder than the wind chill factor today.
What a New Year’s Eve! Attila is in the kitchen cooking himself one of his favourite dishes, playing his music, whistling happily along. Me, I am collapsed in pain in my easy chair, tired beyond belief, nauseous and unable to eat, feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus and left in a ditch. I drift between denial, rage, and a deep, deep grief.
Jarringly I suppose, I wish you all a Happy New Year, filled with peace and love and kindness!
EXTREME COLD WARNING IN EFFECT
Date: 8:00 AM EST Sunday 31 December 2017
Condition: Mainly Sunny
Pressure: 102.8 kPa
Dew point: -27.9°C
Wind: NW 14 km/h
Wind Chill: -34
Visibility: 24 km
“Grief teaches the steadiest minds to waver.”
496 BC – 406 BC
“The only sure thing about luck is that it will change.”
1836 – 1902