Waves

The weather forecast looks like the temperature is going to take a bit of a dive after today. Every time I was out of bed last night, it was raining. It was raining when I got up this morning. It has been raining all day today.

We finally got the car in to the garage on Monday morning. The mechanic is short handed, and the car needs a new rear wheel bearing, which he says is a two man job… so he couldn’t do it. We took the car in to another local garage this afternoon, and hopefully we will have it back by tomorrow evening. I have been without transportation for the last few weeks, and the chores are piling up and squeezing me, so I will be very glad to get the car operating again. There is no public transport here, except taxis.

Finding counselling is proving to be extremely difficult. The people I’ve contacted so far are not seeing anyone new. Our options are extremely limited, and it has to be the person who is right for us, or it isn’t worth doing. I continue to make calls, fail, and try again. Some days I refuse to think about it though, just to give myself a break.

Yesterday was a busy day, I did a lot of work on a few projects, and even had the sewing machine out for most of the day. Here alone during the day, time flows slow and steady and sweet.

Music. It is keeping me real, real and balanced, for at least part of the day.

The me I know floats and slides along the sound waves, insisting, insisting… that the world is much more than the growing smallness. The swell throws open the windows, the doors; an unseeable force.

Worldly Distractions

Weather

10°C
Date: 3:00 PM EST Tuesday 5 December 2017
Condition: Mostly Cloudy
Pressure: 100.6 kPa
Tendency: Falling
Temperature: 9.6°C
Dew point: 6.7°C
Humidity: 83%
Wind: S 32 gust 46 km/h
Visibility: 24 km

Quote

“One should count each day a separate life.”
Seneca
5 BC – 65 AD

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12 Responses to Waves

  1. I had no idea you were going through all these troubles. I pray you can get a good counselor. I can only imagine how shredded you must be feeling. Hugs, for what they’re worth!

  2. Joan, the hugs are worth a lot! Thank you. Hugs

    It certainly is a rough spot right now, but I am hopeful. The counselling is important, but if I can’t find anyone we will likely still pull through this, it will just be a bit harder to pull if off. A neutral third party, with professional credentials and standards, can really keep things focused and on track, making the process of recovery from the terrible, terrible mistake much easier.

    Now that I know something like this is a possibility, I will have my Plan B, maybe even a C and a D. That would cover the practical matters. But the matters of the heart, well, there are no provisions or plans that can mediate loss when we love fully and openly; this is where faith and hope hard work come into play.

  3. TopsyTurvy (Teri) says:

    Maggie, does Attila’s employer have an Employee Assistance Program? That’s how we found a counselor for my stepdaughter, and they often either charge on a sliding scale or the charges are picked up by the employer.

    I’m sorry you’re having a hard time with this. It must be shattering to have felt so rock solid and suddenly have the rug pulled out from under you. And maybe especially hard to only just come into the realization that relationships have hills and valleys when the playing field felt so level before.

    Honestly, even with counseling, becoming more assured in the relationship is a matter of time dulling the pain and memories. About the best I can offer you is don’t ‘make a memorandum’ of the episode, don’t keep running it over and over in your mind, re-sampling all the pains and confusion over and over again.

    Hope you can get your car fixed. You wouldn’t want to start on your cabin fever this early in the season.

  4. Sandy says:

    I’m sorry it’s been a challenge to arrange for counseling too. This may be a longshot but are there any counselors at a distance from you who might do distance counseling on the computer with Skype? Even as I type this, I see countless problems with that type of counseling. Just a thought 🙂 Sending you hugs and energy.

    Your closing: The me I know floats and slides along the sound waves, insisting, insisting… that the world is much more than the growing smallness. The swell throws open the windows, the doors; an unseeable force.” So beautiful. I think your world will grow large again, with time.

  5. Teri, yes Attila has an employer plan, but it is very restrictive, so our search is constrained by that.

    I have never written about the ups and downs of my relationship with Attila, it is similar to any other relationship, and it is between the two of us, and will remain so.

    Good advice about not running over the event over and over again.

    I have my fingers crossed about the car repair! Hopefully it will come back this week, ready for action!

  6. Sandy, that is a good suggestion, it is good to have that in mind if the face-to-face doesn’t work out, something is better than nothing in this instance. I am feeling those hugs! Thank you for your kind words on that particular description of how I am feeling, it was hard to write, but it felt good once I had it committed to words. Hugs

  7. Bex Crowell says:

    Before I got down to Sandy’s comment, I had copied your phrase “…that the world is much more than the growing smallness…” just to comment on it, too. I love your way with words. The way I interpreted that phrase was more of a general meaning, such as, as big as the World is in reality, these days with instant communications, it has been shrinking in perceived size so that there are not any more large distances between people any more. Everyone is right next door, right there in the monitor, only a foot away. No matter how many actual miles exist in the real world.

    When I went through marital problems, and eventual divorce, I/we never considered getting counseling – when it was over, we both knew it was over immediately, and I think we were both relieved that we weren’t going thru the pain any more on a daily basis. But with you two, it seems that your love for one another is so much stronger than that, and I feel that that love will work for you, not against you, in the end. (((hugs)))

  8. Bex, yes, your interpretation is part of what I meant by growing smallness, so eloquently put! As is usual for me, the statement is nuanced and incorporates disparate concepts from all over the place, such as the big tiny male with a lot of power on planet earth, the shrinking face-to-face connections between people, and the dissolution of viable communities through the forces of progress towards an “every shopper for themselves” kind of o world… the list goes on.

    Attila and I do love one another Bex, we are best friends, which is why counselling is a good idea for us, to assist us in finding clarity to move forward, we are both working at that. You are right in thinking our love will work for us, regardless of our ultimate outcome, which I think will be that we remain together. (((hugs)))

  9. Continue to trust in yourself, Maggie. You have tremendous insights, and can see into the core of the matter. I’m glad you are pursuing counseling, and hope that comes together soon. Meanwhile, take care of your health, and do distract yourself with projects and chores so that you are not dwelling on the issue that is consuming you.

  10. What good advice Diane, to trust in myself, thank you for that!
    I am slowly feeling the sand under my feet in this ocean of turmoil. Balancing the hard work with adequate distractions and respite is a real challenge, and my past experiences with this kind of chaos has left me with a few effective tools to deal with it, still it is work, and exhausting.
    You are right that taking care of my health is very important, and needs particular attention through this situation.

  11. Absolutely — focus on what you want, not on what you don’t! It’s difficult and doesn’t feel natural when there’s a problem you’re trying to solve — or so I’ve been finding — but it does seem to make a huge difference to outcomes. oxoxox -Kate

  12. Kate, during a past difficult situation I was facing, an older woman advised me to keep my “eye on the prize”, to focus on what I wanted, and if I decided to go for it, to do it to the best of my ability. I also have a mantra for myself when faced with challenges that elicit strong emotions, I ask myself “what would love do?”, keeping in mind that love for myself must be included in that formula. xoxoxox Maggie