Another Day, Another Stitch

I can see how adjusting to living with a man who was my spouse, who I wanted to be my spouse, but now is only a man I am living with, is going to take some time. Painful encounters today: Sending New Year’s Greetings from only me, many tears. Filling in a form with a line for Spouse, more tears. I put Attila down as contact anyway, but have to think Pseudo-Spouse in my head to get through it, and keep repeating it to myself every time the emotions well up. That is enough for one day! This is very hard. I trust the universe, that this will get easier. Not everyone in my world is able to offer me support, some relationships are too troubled for that. This is another sadness, which has come up during this crisis. Attila and I continue to talk, which has been very positive. We are not talking about getting back together as a couple, an us, that is off the table, we talk about going forward with this new reality, which is hard, hard, hard, so that the positive tone of our conversations is a blessing, even though what we talk about isn’t … Continue reading

One True Thing

I am living in my marital home with a man, with whom I am not in a marital relationship. There, the one true thing I know about my new life. Three days ago I thought I was living in a family, myself and my loving husband Attila. Attila lived up to his name, slaying our relationship with one sentence, “I should move out.” He didn’t though, this second utterance of December, of the same sentence, was followed by the suggestion that he stay in the home, provide me with the necessities of life, and carry out his life as a single person, with no intention of maintaining a marital relationship with me. Our family of two is no more. My universe this morning, at 4:46 a.m., the very first day of 2018, is unrecognizable to me. The only thing I am sure of is the first statement above, and the blanket around my shoulders on this frigid and frosty morning. After not having slept since last Friday night, last night, Sunday night, New Year’s Eve, my body finally collapsed into an exhausted slumber. Feeling physically ill, I lay down my head at 8:46 p.m. last night, and awoke this morning … Continue reading

Worst New Year’s Eve Ever!

It was a hell of a day yesterday. Attila changed his mind, suddenly, again, and again feels the marriage is over, and that what he wants out of life is to “smoke cigarettes, paint (art), listen to loud rock music, and only think about himself”. He says he is running out of time and that is what he wants to do with the rest of his life. Yesterday he was brutally honest, not in the least bit gentle, and did spend all night talking with me, filling in the blanks, answering my questions. The upshot is that although he says he still loves me more than anyone else in the world, it is not enough for him to want to be in a relationship with me, or to even consider me more than “just a friend”, not even a “special friend”. He says he doesn’t want to be responsible for anyone else’s happiness, that is too much of a burden for him. Being responsible for my unhappiness it seems, is acceptable. What a way to end 2017! On Friday night I slept for about five hours, an improvement. We didn’t sleep last night at all, talked all night. We went … Continue reading

Sweet

Another frigid day has dawned. I am beginning to feel housebound, I think it is time for a shopping excursion, if nothing else. It will need to be in a big box store, or a mall, due to the intensity of the cold. This much cold creates a few domestic challenges, but nothing terribly intrusive. There is a significant draft along our floors, unheated basement and single pane windows, and my ankles get cold, so I have am wearing boots as slippers. The oil furnace is providing all of the heat in the house, and the air is becoming quite dry. The humidifier is running constantly, so that I must refill it with water constantly. We are keeping an eye on our uninsulated, unheated basement, where the temperature continues to fall, we don’t want the pipes to freeze. Posted on Facebook today: “Fun facts: 1) 9 out of the 10 coldest places on earth today were in Canada 2) it’s been warmer at the South Pole than in #ygk this week 3) it’s warmer on some parts of Mars than in most parts of Canada right now Actually, none of those were fun. Sorry.” Attila worked today, and I spent … Continue reading

Clear and Frosty Morning

Yesterday we got to see almost all of our Grandbabies! Terra hosted a family get together at their large country house. Luna and Janus and Imp and Elf and Tink were in Quebec City for Christmas, a work related situation, and stopped for a day and night at Terra’s house. They arrived at Terra and Lares’ home yesterday morning, minutes before we did. Terra cooked a delicious turkey dinner, I brought pumpkin pie squares, mincemeat squares (homemade mincemeat), Attila’s chocolate chip cookies, and ice cream. We enjoyed a wonderful day together, saying our goodbyes late in the evening, as Attila and I left to head home. Luna and family left this morning to make another stop before carrying on to their home. What wonderful little creatures grandchildren are. Their personalities, their innocences, each unique and fascinating. It always, always, surprises me that they remember me, that they love me even thought so little our lives are shared, and how much I love them. I think they can tell that they delight me, to the very core of my being. My highlights were Sunny and Sky strutting around in their new foot blankets, tottering a bit now and then in their … Continue reading