Serendipitous

Today was a restless day. So much so that in the afternoon I made a sudden decision to head for the city, to attend a women’s group. It turned out that I liked it, and joined. It was a serendipitous discovery, this group. Just what I needed. Sometimes the universe gives you what you need, and this was one of those miraculous times.

This evening Attila and I continued to talk, and have put ourselves into a holding pattern as we are. This is more comfortable for me, I welcome the stability of the status quo, not a great status quo, but a temporarily stable one, which gives me time and space to establish a world away from home.

On the domestic front, a batch of vegetable soup sits on the range, to be completed tomorrow. My crochet blanket project is coming along, just about through the second ball of yarn, then on to the next, there will be eight balls of yarn used.

Sleep, or lack of, is still an issue. I will try an increasing the amount of melatonin, in a last attempt at using an over the counter remedy. If that doesn’t work, then next week I will visit the walk-in clinic and explore my options. If I feel too tired to drive, Attila will take sick leave and provide transportation. I will get this sleep thing sorted.

Worldly Distractions

Weather

0°C
Date: 7:00 PM EST Friday 19 January 2018
Condition: Cloudy
Pressure: 101.0 kPa
Tendency: Falling
Temperature: -0.3°C
Dew point: -4.7°C
Humidity: 72%
Wind: SSW 21 km/h
Wind Chill: -6
Visibility: 24 km

Quote

“Feel the fear and do it anyway.”
Susan Jeffers

Classes

In between my short bouts of complete emotional meltdown, they come and go during the day, I am getting things done.

Today I called the pharmacy to inquire if there are medications that the walk-in clinic doctors would actually prescribe for me, for insomnia, that would work. I have tried all the home remedies, and still I am only sleeping around four hours a night, a few nights I get more sleep than that, but frequently less. I am in sleep deficit, and I think this intensifies the feelings of fear and pain, and makes it more difficult to deal with them effectively. The pharmacist told me there are several options, so it is going to be worthwhile to go in to the walk-in clinic and try to get a prescription. I regard the medication as a temporary leg-up, to let me rest adequately through this ordeal.

I spent a lot of time, yesterday and today, looking at classes and activities in the city, and found something I want to attend this weekend, during the day. I will go and see what it is like. I am actively looking to replace my yoga class with something more life affirming.

I have decided not to return to the yoga class. Three factors make it a poor fit: one, there are males in the class and one of them is showing an unwelcome, but not odious, interest in me, yuck; two, the invisible ball throwing game is not my cup of tea, and it gives the male the opportunity to make eye contact with me and interact with me, double yuck; three, the class is geared to the needs of several developmentally delayed individuals, who are brought there by their PSW (Personal Support Worker), and while I have no objection to the class accommodating their specific needs, I don’t need what they need, and feel the class is a poor fit for me. I think my presence would not be an asset to the group, or to me. I have decided to just stop going, and write off the expense, I had to pay for the whole session to join, and buy a membership in the organization. I will write off the membership fee as a contribution to the organization. I tried, good for me, I tried. This class was taking more away from me than it was giving me.

Right now in particular, an activity either has to add something of value to my life, or I won’t be bothering with it.

Hopefully the activity that I am planning to attend this weekend will be enjoyable. It is hard to tell on a first visit, because the nervousness of a new situation can colour the experience. I usually give new experiences like this three tries before I decide about them, unless there are compelling reasons not to.

I paid bills today, not a fun job, but it is my job, always has been. Glad to have all that sorted, things got behind over Christmas and are starting to right themselves again.

Also managed 25 minutes on the elliptical.

It is mild today. The snow is melting, and the sky is gray. I keep the handmade table lamp in the corner of the room turned on, as it adds a lovely golden glow to the living room.

Worldly Distractions

Weather

-5°C
Date: 1:00 PM EST Thursday 18 January 2018
Condition: Light Snow
Pressure: 101.6 kPa
Tendency: Falling
Temperature: -4.6°C
Dew point: -8.4°C
Humidity: 75%
Wind: WSW 15 km/h
Wind Chill: -10
Visibility: 11 km

Quote

“Love is everything it’s cracked up to be… It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.”
Erica Jong

Meditation

This morning I readied myself and set forth for my class. Attila has stopped cleaning off my vehicle for me, with this last snowfall, when he cleans off his. He had always done this, and I have always appreciated it. That really stung this morning, as it is the first time it has come up, that the courtesy is no longer extended to me. This is part of the “only think of myself” mission I suppose. I can clean off my own vehicle, that is not the issue, it is that I have to face the loss of an intimacy that I had valued. My days are full to the brim with losses, and there will be more, and more significant losses to come. Deconstruction continues.

Yoga was interesting today. I attended before, and it was an easy place to be friendly, while busy with a shared activity. This time round though, a social element has been added, with imaginary play, sitting in a circle and throwing an imaginary ball at one another for about 20 minutes. To be honest, even at the best of times, I wouldn’t enjoy this type of social interaction. Right now however, I find it distressing. The first ten minutes I managed to hide my discomfort, but I think my feelings must have been showing on my face, and/or body language, because inclusion in the game fell away me, and I was left to mostly sit watching the action, faking laughter when everyone else laughed, a smile pasted on my face. One of the women mentioned, as we were putting on our winter clothing to leave, that it was just a bit of fun. I responded that it was good to have fun, in as positive a way as I could, remaining as smiling and friendly as I could. Everyone else appeared to enjoy it, and I am happy for them. I don’t feel the same way about it though, and I found myself watching every minute go by on the clock during the imaginary ball throwing portion. I have paid for five more classes, and so I will attend what I paid for.

The yoga class is about all that is affordable and available, unless I drive 40 km to the nearest city. I think I will have to do that, to find activities that I can physically handle, and also enjoy. I have had a look, and there do seem to be quite a few activities I could handle and afford, so it is a matter of signing up, and driving there and back when I want to spend an hour or so with other people. The winter is a bit of a stretch, it is quite a drive, and night driving in bad weather isn’t my favourite thing to do, but needs must. Also, I have to pay for a series of classes up front, so if the roads are bad my recreational funds have been spent for naught.

I attended a meditation class in the city last night, and I really liked it. It was interesting, as there were a variety of people there, so very different from one another. Fascinating. People greeted me at the door with smiles and a welcome. It was almost a full house, and people were pleasantly chatting to one another, a very friendly, easy atmosphere was created. When out alone in a strange setting, I am aware of everything around me. There was a fellow sitting in front of me with an iPad, who was taking pictures of everything; when I noticed his camera targeting me (I could see the view screen), I managed to duck behind his head so as not to be in his photograph. There was another fellow sitting a few rows up from me, who from time to time leaned to the left and farted, very odd. He tried to make eye contact with me at one point, I stared past him. The fellow sitting right next to me on my right fell asleep near the beginning of the meditation segment, and spent the entire meditation time sleeping, breathing loudly, and snorting from time to time. Despite all of these little things that I noticed, the room was full of very good energy, and it felt good to be there. I will go again, and look forward to it.

After my class Attila and I attended a music event, which we both enjoyed.

It was a pleasant evening out in the city.

A bit of a rough day emotionally. Some small things came up between Attila and I this morning before he left for work which I need to think through, and work through my feelings. And the emotions involved with cleaning off Tank needed to be dealt with. It is tough work.

After hitting some snags while working on the website project, I have cleared a hurdle and can now proceed again. I really welcome this bit of work right now, it will help to keep me grounded, and prevent me from spinning off into my heartbreak.

Worldly Distractions

Weather

-7°C
Date: 12:00 PM EST Wednesday 17 January 2018
Condition: Light Snow
Pressure: 102.7 kPa
Tendency: Falling
Temperature: -7.3°C
Dew point: -9.3°C
Humidity: 86%
Wind: SW 13 km/h
Wind Chill: -13
Visibility: 2 km

Quote

“As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it.”
Mahatma Gandhi
1869 – 1948

I Don’t Know

I don’t know.

What do people mean when they say…

It is frightening sometimes, to contemplate how much meaning is lost in language. Language is a conveyance of meaning. As nuanced and complex and beautiful as language is, the infinite diversity of what it tries to convey is compacted, shrunk, confined, and rigidly formalized, in order to fit into its relatively tight parameters.

How important it is, when seeking to listen to another, to watch carefully their facial expressions, body language, variations of voice, the time and place in which they choose to convey meaning, their openness to the other, which is you. Past encounters also play an immeasurable role in conveying meaning, in mutually agreed upon assumptions, acceptance of facts and feelings, trust or mistrust, power differentials…

There are other popular means of conveyance of meaning, such as music, visual art, dance, etc.. Each conduit has its own intricacies, its own set of required skills.

Language is my channel of expression. All art forms speak to me.

One of the the things I love about language is that it can be spoken by almost all humans, used as a form of expression, to the degree to which they are able or inspired to do. Everyone who uses language is an artist of sorts, as careful listening will reveal.

The written word, which is what the universe decided would be my primary means of expression, relies on language.

The written word has much to offer the author.

It allows the author to set a context within which a thought may reside, and more readily be understood by themselves and others. It allows emotions to fall out onto a page unbidden, and to be pulled and tugged in various directions and to various depths and heights. It allows the author to express feelings and thoughts without immediately sharing them. It allows the author to temporarily pursue a line of thought or feeling, unencumbered by the reactions and feedback of the other.

And it allows the author to choose if and when to share what has been created.

So here I am, and here you are.

There is more we do not know about one another than there is that we do know about one another, and yet, we share a displaced-in-time moment.

Worldly Distractions

Weather

-14°C
Date: 5:00 AM EST Tuesday 16 January 2018
Condition: Not observed
Pressure: 103.0 kPa
Tendency: Falling
Temperature: -14.2°C
Dew point: -16.9°C
Humidity: 80%
Wind: NNE 13 km/h
Wind Chill: -21

Quote

“If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.”
Abraham Maslow
1908 – 1970

Transits

Every once and a while I look at my personal horoscope. I don’t think this is particularly predictive of anything. I do think it alerts me to the kinds of energy that influence my corporeal placement in the universe, energies that will influence my context, and my person. I have found, over the last thirty years, that in my case, the transits of the planets do offer insights into the energies I deal with in my life.

I am in for a challenging year. Huge changes will be required of me, some people will cause me serious grief, I don’t know who, there won’t be much fun to be had over the next twelve months. That is what the planets are saying, as some serious, once in a lifetime transits move across my chart. The circling planets are playing out in real life, as my marriage has suddenly ended, and I must learn to move forward in time by myself, face my challenges alone. Real life is reflecting the intense personal celestial configuration.

Life is very heavy.

I am glad I didn’t know this was coming, at least I had a time of peace and safety in my life, relatively free from fear, living for 25 years with someone who liked and loved me.

The weekend was intense, with many issues being addressed, some not to be visited again, others will present ongoing challenges. It was exhausting for both of us. There is no immediate plan for Attila to move out, which has its pros and cons. At this point I see it as mostly pros, and Attila probably does too, because he is still here. The real con for me, is that living in the same place makes it harder to keep my hope, and my fear, from making false interpretations. I am learning a great deal about both hope and fear.

Another cold morning. There are a few distant clouds in the sky as the dawn creeps along the horizon.

The day stretches in front of me. I will work on a web site I am updating. I will work crocheting my blanket. I will go to the bank to get some loonies, because parking in the city where I go to the walk-in clinic, and to my specialists appointments, requires me to pay for parking, in the meters. That is as far as I can think for today.

I am not noticing the extent of my mental confusion, until I undertake to deal with things in the house that were once thought of as “ours”, and now have an ambiguous status. In dealing with these items I find that after experiencing sharp pain, a brief and almost unbearable grief, I have trouble thinking about how I should, or want to, proceed. I have to abandon what I am doing, regain my composure, then return to it when I am feeling calmer. It feels like these tasks take forever, although in reality they do not. Emotions strongly influence my sense of time.

I have been disassembled, and the parts aren’t fitting back into the places they fell out of.

I have appointments for the needed X-Ray and CT scan, coming up in February. These are relatively unintrusive procedures, so other than the parking, there is little stress involved. It seems a positive thing to have something concrete written on the calendar, to have known events in the uncertain future.

Worldly Distractions

Weather

-19°C
Date4:00 AM EST Monday 15 January 2018
Condition: Not observed
Pressure: 104.2 kPa
Tendency: Falling
Temperature: -18.9°C
Dew point: -21.7°C
Humidity: 79%
Wind: NE 19 km/h
Wind Chill: -29

Quote

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don’t give up.”
Anne Lamott